Starter Kit: Overly Aggressive Satire
Teutonic-level contributor Matt Spradling // Issue 18
For the cookies:
1 3/4 cups whole wheat pastry flour.
I remember the first time I saw a cookie.
Overcast skies and dying tree leaves bordered my view of the yard of the house I grew up in from ages four to ten. It was fall. Hence the dying leaves and also the overcast skies, although overcast skies can potentially happen pretty much any time of year.
But I didn't know that. Not really. I was just a dumb kid back then. Back before. Back when then.
1/2 teaspoon baking powder - I recommend aluminum free.
Just so dumb. Such a dumb.
Far too dumb.
1/8 teaspoon baking soda.
I met my husband in middle school, but neither of us knew it at the time. I was too committed to the game. I didn't have time for love.
1/4 teaspoon kosher salt.
In high school we had some classes together - classes such as art, Spanish, Serman, French, calculus, pre-calculus, algebra, algebra two, geometry, physics, chemistry, chemistry two, English, psychology, English two, English three, athletics.
Physical education, English four, choir, band, more athletics, more band, theatre, theatre three, American history, world history, American government, European history, more physical education, romantic literature, art two, microeconomics, home economics, macroeconomics, environmental science, and also more as well.
1/2 cup unsalted butter - (1 stick), at room temperature.
I was so dumb then.
We were so dumb.
3/4 cup granulated sugar.
When the war started, at first we weren't sure what we were going to do.
2 tablespoons light cream cheese - (1 ounce) (do not use fat free - you will need 1, 8-ounce brick of cream cheese total for the recipe).
The Korean War (in South Korean Korean: 한국전쟁; Hanja: 韓國戰爭; RR: Hanguk Jeonjaeng, "Korean War"; in North Korean Korean: 조국해방전쟁; Hanja: 祖國解放戰爭; MR: Choguk haebang chŏnjaeng, "Fatherland: Liberation War"; 25 June 1950 - 27 July 1953)[c] was a war between North Korea (with the support of China and the Soviet Union) and South Korea (with the support of the United Nations, with the principal support from the United States (US)).
The war began on 25 June 1950 when North Korea invaded South Korea following a series of clashes along the border.
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract.
As a product of the Cold War between the Soviet Union and the United States, Korea had been split into two sovereign states in 1948 with the border set at the 38th parallel. A socialist state was established in the north under the communist leadership of Kim Il-sung and a capitalist state in the south under the anti-communist leadership of Syngman Rhee.
Both governments of the two new Korean states claimed to be the sole legitimate government of all of Korea, and neither accepted the border as permanent. The conflict escalated into warfare when North Korean military (KPA) forces-supported by the Soviet Union and China-crossed the border and advanced into South Korea on 25 June 1950.
The United Nations Security Council authorized the formation of the United Nations Command and the dispatch of forces to Koreato repel what was recognized as a North Korean invasion. Twenty-one countries of the United Nations eventually contributed to the UN force, with the United States providing around 90% of the military personnel.
1/2 teaspoon freshly grated lemon zest.
After the first two months of war, the ill-equipped and underprepared South Korean Army (ROKA) and the US forces rapidly dispatched to Korea were on the point of defeat, forced back to a small area behind a defensive line known as the Pusan Perimeter. In September 1950, an amphibious UN counter-offensive was launched at Incheon, and cut off many KPA troops in South Korea. Those who escaped envelopment and capture were forced back north. UN forces invaded North Korea in October 1950 and moved rapidly towards the Yalu River-the border with China-but on 19 October 1950, Chinese forces of the People's Volunteer Army (PVA) crossed the Yalu and entered the war. The surprise Chinese intervention triggered a retreat of UN forces back below the 38th Parallel by late December.
1 large egg - at room temperature.
In these and subsequent battles, Seoul changed hands four times, and the last two years of fighting became a war of attrition, with the front line close to the 38th Parallel.
The war in the air, however, was never a stalemate. North Korea was subject to a massive bombing campaign. Jet fighters confronted each other in air-to-air combat for the first time in history, and Soviet pilots covertly flew in defense of their communist allies.
For the frosting:
7 ounces light cream cheese, - use the remaining cream cheese that you did not put in the cookies above.
The fighting ended on 27 July 1953, when the Korean Armistice Agreement was signed. The agreement created the Korean Demilitarized Zone(DMZ) to separate North and South Korea, and allowed the return of prisoners. However, no peace treaty was ever signed, and the two Koreas are technically still at war, engaged in a frozen conflict.
In April 2018, the leaders of North and South Korea met at the DMZ and agreed to work towards a treaty to formally end the Korean War.
And also like MASH.
1-2 teaspoons milk - any kind you like.
When I got the news that he'd kersploded, I didn't eat cookies for a full year. It was just too painful. And also he could not eat cookies either because he had kersploded in his body.
But not his spirit.
I knew his spirit was unkersploded.
1/2 teaspoon pure vanilla extract.
About 100 grams of gunpowder.
1 cup powdered sugar.
Dirt from the country you were born in.
Preheat the oven to 375 degrees F. Line two baking sheets with parchment paper or a silp-mat.
Clear a couple dozen square feet of contiguous space on the ground. Avoid carpet.
In a medium mixing bowl, whisk together the whole wheat pastry flour, baking powder, baking soda, and salt. Set aside.
Form a pentagram using the gunpowder and lavender mixed together.
In the bowl of a standing mixer fitted with the paddle attachment or a large mixing bowl, cream together the butter, sugar, and cream cheese until light and fluffy, about 3 full minutes, stopping to scrape down the bowl as needed. Beat in the vanilla extract, lemon zest, and egg, stopping to scrape down the bowl again. With the mixer running on low speed, slowly add the flour mixture, beating just until incorporated.
Using your dirt, create ovals which trace the orbit of the inner planets at the current time within the pentagram. It's ok if they run outside the edges of the pentagram but the bulk of them should be contained within.
With a small cookie scoop or spoon, scoop the dough by tablespoonfuls and roll into a ball. Place 2 inches apart on the prepared baking sheet. With your fingers, lightly press the cookie balls to a 1/4-inch thickness. If the dough is sticky, dampen your fingers slightly.
Place the fruit within the patterns in whatever arrangement feels best, then light that mother up. Just make it pop. There will be smoke.
Bake the cookies for 9 minutes, until the edges barely begin to brown. Let cool on the baking sheet for 5 minutes, then gently transfer to a wire rack to cool completely.
The fruit should remain cool to the touch but seem significantly heavier.
Meanwhile, make the cream cheese frosting: In a medium mixing bowl, beat the cream cheese on medium speed for 2 minutes, until smooth. Reduce the mixer speed to low, beat in 1 teaspoon milk and vanilla extract until combined. With the mixer running gradually add the powdered sugar. Once the powdered sugar is incorporated, increase the mixer speed to high and beat for 1 full minute. Add additional milk, 1 teaspoon at at a time, if you desire a thinner frosting consistency.
Spread the frosting over the cookies, then top with fresh fruit. Enjoy!
Consume the fragments of the soul of my dead husband. I need as many people as possible to do this so that his essence may continue. Please do this.
Make extra and share with friends, family, and even coworkers!
His hands were always so warm and strong yet gentle and also really dirty all the time when he'd hold me and it got my shirt all dirty but I never cared because boy I loved hands.
Work From Home Tips to Maximize Productivity During A Global Crisis In Which 188,437 People Have Died
Interim assistant vice president-level contributor Sam Strohmeyer // Issue 22
If you're like me, you have yet to be furloughed or fired or killed by the virus, so you are allowed to feel nothing but gratitude and positive vibes while you enjoy your work from home experience. Here are my tips and tricks to make sure you are unfailingly productive between the hours of 9:00 and 5:00.
The WORST thing you can do when your alarm goes off is hit snooze. The second you hear that shrill beep you need to jump out of bed, do a big stretch, and scream at god. I promise you need this more than that extra ten minutes of sleep.
A healthy breakfast is key to keeping your energy up so that you don't waste even one second of your day. I recommend something I like to call the Super Synergy Smoothie. Combine one half of a banana, a cup of oat milk, a cup of chopped greens, a scoop of your favorite protein powder, and two crushed adderall. Top with a handful of dry quinoa for a fun crunch!
Exercise is going to help you focus and keep you too tired to Feel all that International Suffering and Despair. Add some fun to your routine by searching youtube for yoga workouts and playing them at double speed. NamaSLAYING our goals! Am I right, ladies? AM I RIGHT?!
The WORST thing you can do (I know I said that in the first one but this is the real worst thing) is to wear anything but your professional clothing now that your home is your work and your work is your home and your home is your work. I'm talking button down or blouse, slacks, high heels (for all gender identities) and don't forget to put your hair shirt on under all of that! I swear to satan if I find out you're wearing leggings during a zoom meeting I will kill you myself.
Go ahead and take a moment to limit all potential distractions that might cause you to steal your employers time and therefore make you a goddamn criminal. Tidy your space, delete Instagram from your phone, and leave your kid in their bedroom with a bottle of water, a bowl of Cheerios, and a copy of the collected works of Franz Kafka. That should keep them occupied for AT LEAST twelve hours.
Now you're ready to sit down in your home office and get stuff done! Oh, you don't have a room in your house or apartment dedicated to work? You don't have a private space with a standing desk, computer monitor, and Avalon A1WATERCOOLER A1 Top Loading Cooler Dispenser, Hot & Cold Water, Child Safety Lock, Innovative Slim Design, Holds 3 or 5 Gallon Bottles-UL/Energy Star Approved, White? What is wrong with you? Are you trying to sabotage the economy? Do you get some kind of sick pleasure out of destroying America? I hope that when Dan Patrick starts gathering his ritual sacrifices for capitalism he knocks on your door first.
This Is My Chili's Manifesto
Dang-level contributor Macc Spalding // Issue 27
Y'all have crossed a dang line.
Now I've been a proud Chili's patron for about as long as I can recall. It's my place where everybody knows my name, and that name is Bud. You could get three el presidente margs in me, blindfold me, and spin me round til I yartz lemon-lime, and I could still point to the place where a proud and somewhat dingy American Flag is framed on the wall for no discernible reason.
Do you yahoos understand how many innocent lives are inside of any given Chili's? How many frozen burger patties are stored in the closet that haven't yet breathed their first? How many frozen veggie patties are stored underneath those dripping burger patties? How many unborn baby-back ribs are begging to be born? Those babies have fingernails.
I've had enough.
Previously my had-it barometer (blood pressure) was real low. It didn't raise when the Mr. President said whatever it is you sensitive people were butthurt over. It didn't raise when a man or four whose races are irrelevant were murdered by a "corrupt" and "discriminatory" "police" "force" lacking "oversight" or "justice," or when an "innocent" "woman" was "killed" "in" "bed" with "zero" "repercussions" for "anyone" "involved." That's just par for the course as far as I'm concerned. I figure if no one else (no one in my neighborhood) is up in a tizzy about it then it ain't much to be tizzied over.
But this here I must take a stand over. This here has sent my had-it barometer through the dang roof (out of my nose and onto my good shirt.)
We live in a society, and that society lives in America, and that means that our hallowed businesses and products are sacrosanct and must be protected - I'll say it - by any means necessary (and I can get real mean.)
Believe you me, I'm a good citizen. Not disruptive one bit. I even pay my dang taxes. I'm a vital cog in this blessed machine of commerce. When the Chinavirus took my dear sister, did I let it disrupt my responsibility? No sir, I was out there every day still, shopping and eating and doing my civic duty, and I was proud to show my face doing it. When we went "broke" from "medical" "debt," that didn't stop me neither, we got a pool table and let everyone we know come over and use it. I'm a good citizen.
But when a good citizen witnesses something so wicked and demonstrative of a deep and dangerous flaw in society, he has a responsibility to act in accordance with his own judgement for the economy. I am so upset, and I'm not alone in this:
So that's it, buttered and spanked. You better believe I will be out there every day driving my Land Rover back and forth between both the Chili's'es' in my area, but especially this one. I will be dangerous and ready to protect what needs protecting most. All lives end eventually, but our replaceable products and competitive, ever-adapting franchises and the things they symbolize are irreplaceable and must be protected with blood. Just this morning I stepped out this Chili's entrance and stopped to smoke while I let out just a profound amount of gas. Looking around at the peaceful view, the innocent hazy sky, and the pristine red signage, it occurred to me that nothing in the world in my neighborhood is truly awry, and I had faith that it would stay that way. Might've made me drop my cigarette then and there.
But you upstarts just couldn't leave well enough alone, and now you're gonna find out what a real Big Mouth Bite feels like.
How to Run (Pandemic Edition)
Chief Social Darwinism is a fallacious concept created by old-timey conservatives who didn't understand Darwin and were trying to co-opt evolutionary science and use it as a pseudosciencey argument in favor of racist imperialism Correspondent Matt Spradling // Issue 32
Many years ago (1 year) in issue 17 I wrote a best-selling article about how to run. It was genius and beautiful and everyone clapped. But that was written in the before times for the before times. It occurred to me today as I was outside trying and failing not to lose my faith in humanity even further that since a global pandemic changes the rules, someone ought to re-codify said rules and shout them into the void. What else are newsletters for?
Without further ado, here is a new and updated guide for running and general outdoorsmanship in the end times. These are tried and true tips that I've picked up on from people doing them around me every time I've gone out running or walking in the past five months.
1. Run on the right side of the road. This goes for walkers, too. Now, a lot of people and the law might have told you to do the opposite and stick to the left side when possible, but what they forgot is that this isn't oppressive England, this is America, and in America we go on the right. You have a right to be in the road just as much as any car, so act like a car. Need to see what's coming at you? Weak. This isn't about safety, it's about sending a message. Besides, many cars are now small enough that if you get hit you will simply roll up the hood instead of getting batted like a baseball which is significantly less likely to kill you, so.
2. Run in busy bike lanes when possible. Busy road with a normal sidewalk but there's an alluring bike lane right there? Of course you gotta go for it brah. Being a bicycle is the next step up from being a runner, unless you include a skateboard, which you should. This is great for a couple reasons; for one, you're still right next to the losers on the sidewalk, so you can gloat and show off; also, similar to the previous suggestion, you can and should run on the right side of the road when doing this so that any actual cyclists trying to use your bike lane will have to get stuck behind you and veer into traffic to get around you. I call this technique "stirring the pot" but the pot is the flesh of yourself and others and the stirring is the variety of impacts that will occur.
3. Spit. Yeah, just spit sometimes! If you're in the bike lane next to people on the sidewalk, probably spit to your left into the road because it would be funny if you hit a car and the people two feet away from you will see how cool and cavalier you are and how hard you're working. Also it's kind of a propellant situation, like how if you throw something in space it will move your body in the opposite direction. I think Usain Bolt probably uses this technique.
4. Get real close to people. This is more important than ever for a variety of reasons. Because of the global padnimick or whatever, we're all a little starved for quality hangout time, so you should use your exercise time to also exercise your emotions and get some camaraderie in. Plus, others will appreciate you for this; if one side of the street is crowded with people going one direction, and the other side of the street has only one person going the other direction, they'll probably feel pretty left out, so be a good samaritan, cross over to their side right before you get to them so they don't have time to avoid you (because sadly they don't think they're worthy of affection) and give them a friendly fly-by to leave a smile on their face. Unless they're wearing a mask, then you can't see their face, which would be pretty rude of them.
5. Never get out of anyone's path. This displays weakness and will make you a target for criminals and large cats. This is especially important if you're walking towards somebody from far away such that you and the stranger have plenty of time to watch and consider each other. This really is a simple game of chicken and you should never lose. Might as well shut your eyes, and if you literally run into each other, so be it. Also, sometimes you'll turn onto a road with someone already on it and will quickly have to choose which side to get on. If you get on the side that someone is already on, it's still important to stick with it. This even goes for when there are cars involved along with pedestrians - traffic safety is all about being predictable, and for you, predictable means being a fucking dumb piece of wet shit, so adjust your strategy to loitering in the middle of the road to assert dominance over car and man alike.
6. Never stop for any reason. Coming up on a potential collision with other people that would be easy to avoid if one party just stopped and waited for like five seconds for the congestion to pass? Seems pretty easy and reasonable right? WRONG. This is admitting that you can be stopped, and it trains your body to be a weak beta idiot. What's next, stopping for stop signs? That's a slippery slope of government tyranny and it starts with you. That's why, in the event that someone else stops and waits to let you go by, you should angle your trajectory near to them to save them from themselves.
7. Get wide. If you're running or walking with one or more other person, your party should make itself as big as possible. This stops people from being able to get around you easily which keeps you safe from sneak attacks and being flanked. It can even be used to signal invitations to join your meandering flotilla of flesh. This works on cars too if you're in the road, which you probably should be. Push strollers or have children zipping around your perimeter on scooters for added visibility, bulk, and reduced speed.
8. Blockade and ambush. This is one for the old-timers out there. I know it sounds outlandish, but it's really happened to me, and you can too! Are you a small, older woman, therefore highly susceptible to covid, and walking your dog without a mask? Good, you're on the right track. When you see your target coming up the street towards you, stop and talk to your first ally (another old woman walking their dog without a mask) in the very middle of the street. Do this near parked cars so that your target will be forced to get somewhat close (like 3-4 feet) to get past your barricade. This is where ally number 2 comes in. This entire third other small old lady walking her dog without a mask will be - and this is the genius part - just fucking standing behind the parked car waiting for god knows what but definitely not participating in the conversation with you and ally number one. If executed properly, your target will squeeze past the car you've funneled them towards only to find themselves a mere foot away from a surprise lady they had no way of seeing the entire time they've been running up the street. What a fun and fateful prank!
You've Been Putting the Wrong Gems In Your Mouth - And That's a Good Thing
Paranorovirus-level contributor Matt Spradling // Issue 19
We've absolutely all heard about how putting gems in your mouth grants various restorative properties.
In Modern America, before we learn how to ride a bike we learn about how Topaz will make our fingers stronger; before we learn to multiply in math class, we learn that Diamond multiplies the intensity of pilate sessions; before we learn the satisfaction of a hard day's work, we learn that Rubies open more doors than money ever could.
This is all True. But is it Good?
Yes. But is it right?
In today's culture of Political Correctness Run Amok And Then Inverted And Forced To Consume Its Own Twin In Utero In Order To Absorb Its Powers And Survive Until Birth On The Oilfields Of West Texas, a righteously indignant minority of brave voices has served as faithful sirens guiding us through the fogs of Youth and Benighted Post-Youth: the Betty Remington International Gem Hoarding And Monopolizing Yearly Outing Unless Nobody Goes, or BRIGHAMYOUNG (no relation).
BRIGHAMYOUNG endeavors to free us from having hands that are bound together to our other hands using manacles that have gems on them but they're the wrong gems.
We say, "Hey, what's up, I'm Merrick, and I don't know what sex is, but I sure know that Amethyst will serve as a bezoar in toxin-ingestion emergencies," and they say, "Fuck you, idiot, Amethyst is for tax-evasion purposes only."
We say "Oh hey, I'm Winfrey, and I actually know everything there is to know in the world of mainstream gems, I just wish there was more," and they say, "Fuck you, Winfrey, I bet you didn't know that grinding up whatever that green one is and spreading it over your body will make all your acne fucking explode."
These are exactly and also precisely the brave and intelligent voices We need right now precisely and also exactly because they're not intelligent. They're actually pretty dumb and vulgar and only dumb people are vulgar.
But they are brave, and we need bravery right now. We need bravery right now to tell your boss, "Hey, I don't know how to drive a lawnmower, so I guess I'll use scissors." We need bravery right now to tell your crush, "Hey, I don't know how ice cream is made, but I know how it ends up."
So keep using the wrong gems for the wrong things, and keep getting told about it by the likes of BRIGHAMYOUNG and their equivalents corresponding to other examples of things.
Keep being a patriot.