Issue 39 - 01/02/21
- An Apology
- Sam Reviews: The Staff of A Newsletter
- I Think a Queen Delivered My Groceries
- It's Okay to Enjoy Reality Television
- Love or Entomology?
- Matt Reviews Young Matt: The Early Fiction
- Plug: Our Pod Is An Awesome Pod
- Office Chart
Chief Biology Correspondent Jenna Hay
If you've any similarity to me, you likely upon hearing mention of Dallas take upon yourself a strong feeling of disdain. If you've dealt with Dallas traffic, you likely experience an empathetic onset of anxiety as well.
Dallas is not exactly a beautiful city. Curious odors assault my nose every time I walk around downtown, and while I suspect their sources I typically don't try to solve the mystery. Everything here is more expensive than you'd expect, from the gym memberships to the gelato to the environmentally-conscious underwear, and yet I pay those fees without question because that's just what you do if you want to eat dessert and still have an ass in Dallas. The pothole-ridden, glass-showered roads are a death threat to any and all cyclists who are steadfast in their decision to commute using manpower. The terrain is flat and concrete-covered, so much so that the trees in downtown are actually planted beneath the concrete and grow, uniformly spaced, through the concrete from their respective holes in the sidewalk. People, even long-time residents, are always surprised when I point it out.
As someone who harbors a pull toward outdoor recreation, Dallas certainly is an unexpected place for me to end up. I don't hide my eagerness to move - every year I make the same dumb hilarious joke to my friends, tipsily warning them to be careful, and to not fall in love with me, because by this time next year, I'm out. For a good while, I'd beat to the punch whoever I was conversing with to do the heavy lifting of putting down Dallas before they even broached the topic. I've never worn a Mavs/Cowboys/Stars/Rangers shirt or willingly suggested attending a game and I make a point to care about team standings about as much as I care about the nuances of what constitutes a sandwich. As far as Dallas public relations goes, I'm very very bad.
Which is why, when my boss called last week to inform me I could potentially be transferred to Seattle, I was extremely confused and annoyed with the feelings that flooded through me. For the first time, I felt a fierce love for my shitty metropolis, and a shocking grief over the idea of leaving it behind.
As I processed the news that my life could change drastically, I recalled one of the few memories I retained from college: a biology lesson, shared in the cold, fluorescent dungeons of the natural sciences building, on plant propagation. Plant propagation is one of the most insane processes I've ever learned about. The process is not only just scientifically bonkers, but a fascinating lesson about the resilience and adaptation of living beings that naturally occurs with pressure and necessity. It works like this: you can cleanly cut off a fragment of a plant, replant that fragment, treat the orphaned fragment as you would a seed, and with proper nourishment, the fragment will withstand being removed from its mother and reorganize its internal structure to become its own, genetically identical, fully formed plant. In time, roots will actually begin to sprout and the plant will become increasingly self-sustaining. A plant clone. Y'all. How are we as a people not freaking out about this all the time? This is some philosophers stone shit.
The jury is still undecided as to how effective processing emotions through biology lessons is as a therapy tactic, but for me, it provided an answer as to why the prospect of leaving a place I've never called home filled me with pain.
I will have lived in Dallas for nearly four years this January. Four years is a long time. It's longer than any relationship I've been in. It's longer than the amount of time I've kept a single job. It's longer than I've maintained a hobby and way longer than I've kept a fish alive. Four years is significant. Over the course of those four years, things that were once foreign to me here have become familiar.
Dallas roads, which in 2017 terrified and angered me, have become my beloved mysteries to unravel. Hidden neighborhoods are tucked between overpopulated streets, and with just a single, or several, wrong turns on my bike, I've discovered treasures, unique places within places, neighborhoods where houses operate as family-run shops and no two roofs look alike. I've begun a journey from north Dallas to Bishop Arts and seen everything in between, and yet I continue to be surprised at what I find. I've raced my bike through the green wave in downtown and felt tears forced from my eyes as the wind whipped me from behind and traffic steered so close to me I thought I'd crash, all the while feeling so alive and free I could cry.
Dallas people have become my own. Through the countless hours playing ultimate frisbee, attending brewery based running clubs, chasing free shots in Deep Ellum dive bars, and wrecking my body at the rock climbing gym, I've gradually filtered and found select souls that I love. People who make me laugh until I can't breath and choke on my own spit, who stay awake with me late at night around a fire pit, who sip Jameson and crack endless jokes, who write and perform, who challenge and impress me, and who have ridden the ups and downs of depression by my side. Incredible, radiant people.
It's time I apologize to Dallas and the spirit within it. For all of the grief and insults I've thrown, you in return offered me unique challenges and opportunities for growth. You presented me avenues to meet amazing people. And you've given me relatively cheap rent. Double thanks for that. I don't know how I'll afford my oat milk obsession if I move to Seattle and have to pay $2k for a 160 square foot apartment.
I am excited for the chance to live in the PNW. There are significantly more mountains, rivers, and whales, which are collectively my love language. But now, when I think of the future, it's tinged with nostalgia, and a tug happens deep inside of me that reminds me that if I go to Seattle I won't be arriving with my full self - I'll only be an extension of the self I've separated from. Somewhere along the way, despite my fight to remain a plant fragment - unattached, geographically orphaned, unencumbered and ungrounded - I planted my roots in you, Dallas. And I believe you've nourished me well.
Sam Reviews: The Staff of A Newsletter
Chief Yearbook Correspondent Sam Strohmeyer
I have never met Jenna in person but this has not prevented me from erecting a shrine to her in my home. I am obsessed with her because she is a strong outdoor woman who can climb big rocks and also a talented artist and also very funny. I don't know what kind of wretched deal she made with a demon to obtain these various skills and I do not care. In fact, I celebrate her ingenuity while respecting her privacy.
I met Andrew and immediately thought to myself, "ah, this is my friend Andrew and I love him. I should ask if he'd like to plan a vacation together." There are many reasons to adore Andrew but my favorites are his incredible sense of humor, his Dungeon Master skills, and his sweet demeanor. My only problem with Andrew is that he is my greatest romantic rival and I would kill him in a heartbeat. I've been lucky so far in that Matt hasn't strayed but every night I sing Dolly Parton's Jolene to the night sky, replacing Jolene with Andrew, as I sharpen my sword and prepare for the day in which only one of us will survive.
Marina and I met when we were both getting off the bus one morning and I caught a glimpse of her Adventure Zone tattoo, after which I proceeded to yell at her and attack her with friendship. Surprisingly, this worked. We quickly learned we were essentially the same person, which I believed until it recently became clear that she and Matt are actually the same person and I just have a type of person I like to be around. Marina is one of my favorite people because she's generous and thoughtful and easy to talk to. She's also our neighbor and although Matt and I plan to move this summer I'm devising a plan to bring her with us whether she likes it or not. I shall speak no more of it here for she may be reading.
Matt and Alex are similar in a lot of ways (both Leos, music obsessed, smart, sweet, and incurably goofy) but Matt is domesticated and Alex is feral, god bless him. He is a spontaneous wild man and that immediately throws me into Mom Friend Mode ™. I want to make him soup and yell at him to settle down with a nice woman and never buy any more motorcycles (!!!). I can look past all of that because he introduced Matt to (forced Matt to become obsessed with) Car Seat Headrest and now I'm obsessed with Car Seat Headrest and it's fun to be obsessed with things. Good job, Alex!
I used to think I was interesting and quirky and unique in my hobbies and creative pursuits but then I met Wendy and realized I'm basic and she is the blueprint. It's really fun to hang out with Wendy because she always says at least three things that make my jaw drop. She's one of the only people I would willingly follow into clear danger because I believe she is immortal and not only skilled enough but benevolent enough to choose to protect me. I hope to weasel my way into her inner circle so I may learn about what the government is hiding from us and also what animals are thinking. I KNOW YOU KNOW, WENDY, AND YOU CAN TELL ME!
I don't know Matt very well but he seems like a cool guy.
I Think a Queen Delivered My Groceries
Chief Mirena Correspondent Marina Martinez
It's easy to forget, when you're shut away in your apartment with only a loud cat and your anxiety, that there are other people out there in the world. And other people can be so weird, you know? I used to take the bus every day, which made it impossible to forget this, but the only contact with strangers I've had recently has been delivery people. If you haven't guessed by now, this is definitely going to be an anecdote about an interesting delivery driver.
I order groceries from HEB about twice a month. I was doing this even before the pandemic, because 1) I don't have a car, 2) I eat a lot of perishable food, and 3) I tend to avoid places people go, like grocery stores. In the few years I've been getting groceries delivered, I've had contact with delivery drivers maybe...twice? Three times? Usually the text messages are automated, something like 'Your order from HEB is on its way!' or 'Your order from HEB has been delivered!'. Obviously, since I'm writing an article, this time was different.
I'm classifying this entire experience as a crime, so the story will be told through a series of screenshots. Please note that the first text was sent at 6:37pm and I finally received my order at 8:21pm. (I also did, of course, make my extremely patient neighbors deal with this experience with me, so that commentary is included as well.)
Make of this what you will.
It's Okay to Enjoy Reality Television
Chief Brain Correspondent Alex Speed
In the past two months I have gotten COVID, beaten COVID (sort of because to this day I will have a random asthma attack about once every three days that makes me seriously consider finally writing a last will and testament), moved from Montana to Texas, been physically assaulted by a fifty year old man (father of the year lookout!), become suddenly homeless, bought a motorcycle, been in a motorcycle crash, and started watching 90 Day Fiancé. All in all it's been about average.
Let's talk about the most pressing issue on this list - 90 Day Fiancé.
I used to be the kind of person who looked down on people who scratched the ol reality TV itch. I thought I was so much smarter and more interesting because I watched shows like True Detective or The Wire. My brain was simply too big to find enjoyment from how simple and plebeian the struggles of the Kardashians were portrayed. Where was the character growth? How could my absolutely fucking giant high IQ too-smart-to-go-to-college mind enjoy something that didn't even offer a season long plot full of circle-jerk writing twists and turns no one understands but everyone agrees are "progressive and truly unique to the confines of the genre"?
Let me introduce you to 90 Day Fiancé.
If you want to talk about something that gets into the weeds exploring the vast complexity of human dependency or just relationships and family dynamics as a whole - fucking buckle up, dumbass.
Exhibit A: Alan and Kirlyam from season one.
Alan is a 29 year old devout Mormon from California who's awkwardness and DEEP desire to lose his virginity never one time allow you to perceive him as a human being. His fiancé, Kirlyam, is a LITERAL FUCKING MODEL FROM BRAZIL. She is not like a ditzy model who wants to move to America. She is a beautiful and interesting and funny person who left her family and her life in Brazil to move to California to marry this nerd in a mormon temple. The thing is - you watch this show and you're like
This is fake, there is no way this exists in the world. It is fake and these marriages don't last blah blah blah
THEY ARE STILL MARRIED. THEY HAVE A CHILD. THEY MOVED TO NORTH CAROLINA YEARS AFTER THE SHOW AIRED. They have like a family instagram where they post pictures of their little family going on hills and shit.
In season one Kilryam starts getting gigs as a model in California, because she is stunning, and Alan is UPSET. He is worried his fiancé will realize she is too hot to even make eye contact with him and raises this concern after a photo shoot. The thing is, she understands this, continues modeling, and still marries and as far as I can tell really genuinely loves this man.
Knee jerk reaction is that he has to be super wealthy, right? Wrong. This man drives a 94 Toyota Corolla.
Last week I got ghosted by a girl after two dates I spent hours planning. The world simply is not a fair place.
Exhibit B: Mark and Nikki from season three.
Mark is 58, Nikki is 19.
Mark is 58
Nikki is the second girl from the same small town in the Philippines that Mark has married.
His youngest daughter is 21 and his fiancé is, and I can not stress this enough, nineteen years old.
As soon as she shows up to his house she sees a picture of him and his ex wife who is from the same city as her. Later in the season he buys her a car which we later learn was the same make and model of car he bought for his ex wife when she moved in with him. Mark insists on still sharing the same bed he ad his ex wife shared with his new fiancé. The man is an absolute psycho.
Have I mentioned the age gap?
Mark is awful and Nikki is innocent and kind. There's a whole situation with a prenup and Mark's children and all that jazz BUT they are STILL TOGETHER. They even participated in a post season documentary style round table and you could tell that despite how fucking weird and awful the dynamic is, they legitimately seemed to love and care about each other.
Nikki has many chances to get out of this marriage. She meets with a lawyer to discuss the prenup and she has many conversations with her family back home about everything that is going on. She wasn't even poor or anything back in the Philippines, she worked and had her parents but chose to move to Baltimore to be with this weird old dude.
Let's see True Detective pull that shit off.
Love or Entomology?
Chief Eyes Correspondent Wendy Fernandez
My mother had told me
To be home by dark,
But I had snuck out
To the neighborhood park.
With stolen time
We each stole some glances,
I couldn't ignore his romantic advances.
Under the oak tree
With fingers entwined,
You gave me your heart
And I gladly shared mine.
Your red glowing eyes
Made me feel kind of funny,
But deep down inside
I melted like honey.
Then it got weird,
Though I can't quite say why,
You kicked off the ground
And we started to fly.
Not too high only
Maybe this happens
Once you fall in love.
But sprouting large wings
Isn't in human nature,
If he's not man
Then I lacked nomenclature
To explain the antennae,
Was I a part of his dastardly plan?
In panic, I quickly looked into his eyes,
And what I saw back
Made me realize
Who my true love was,
And what this all meant.
I had no good reason
For my discontent.
I'm in love with the Mothman,
And he loves me back.
I know there's a lot here
We need to unpack,
But with him in my arms
And us both in the air,
I'm floating along without any cares.
My mom is still waiting
For me to return,
And though for my home
I desperately yearn,
I'm off with my honey
Flying towards the sunrise,
Gazing into his glowing red eyes.
Matt Reviews Young Matt: The Early Fiction
Chief Gems Correspondent Matt Spradling
Despite numerous successes and failures both in the public eye and in private, the author remains an enigmatic and shapeshifting figure, and whatever we may glean from his writing in the later years might fail to present an informative portrait of the man himself, should anyone desire to ascertain such a thing. To this dubious end, fate has seemingly intervened to produce the Ida-Nadi: a collection of the author's earliest fiction long thought lost, a sort of Kafkaesque Rosetta stone which can be used as a junction tracing the connections between his earliest influences and all his subsequent tastes and productions.
The Ida-Nadi consists of five disparate texts, uncovered in winter of 2020, though the number of sibling texts which remain lost that little bit extra to the liminal flow of time can only be guessed at. They were drafted using a script and language nearly unintelligible, but have been painstakingly transcribed by my own hand for presentation and study here.
Of the five texts, three are closely bound in an aspiring trilogy with a fourth acting as a sort of proof-of-concept prologue, but I think it best to begin with the fifth text, perhaps the oldest of all. The Prakriti Manuscript bears no identifiable connection to the larger story and instead seems to be a purely academic pursuit: the author's attempt at a translation and improvement of Tolkien's The Lord of the Rings. It is reproduced here as fully as possible.
The Prakriti Manuscript
The Lord of the Rings
Book-1- Fellowship of the Ring
[Illustration of a bow attached to a quiver containing arrows head-up]
In a Hobbitan Shire, under a hill, wasa house which was owned by Bilbo Bagins and Froto Bagins.
Froto moved away and Bilbo (who was turning 111) had the old hill the Intire hill to him self. He thought it was verey verey nice,until Gandolf, the wizard came with Lagolas one evning to give him some very Distubing news obout his Ring.
His Magic Ring was as powerful as Gandolf. And even more. It gave the warer the power to inslave the world. The ring you say is dangerus? In what way? Whel, in the land of Mordor, the dark tower has been rebut. Let's see, o yes! Frodo, lookat the ring.Are there any Marking's onit? No. Its quite plain. No!!! No!!! Not in the fire! getit out! Ok. Now, look again. There are firey letters inside and out! but I cann't read them. Of course you cant. The writing is elvish but the language is that of Mordor. Close enoph it say's, One Ring to rule them all, ohe ring to tind them, one ring to bring them all, and in the darkness, find them. Frodo, this is th eone ring. This? Yes. This.
Olovasadon The wall broke down and a troll and 5,000 orc, pored in to the house. They started to run And Legolas shot around. He had a bow and arrow. He shot the orc archer. He got another arrow and stabbed another orc, Pulled it out, and shot another orc. he was out of arows, so he just ran. Frodo never new Elves could run so fast. The Ring! Frodo vanished. He pulled out sting, and prety soon, every Uruk-Hai was dead.
Soumorillion - Hobbit - The fellowship of the ring - The two-towers - The return of the king.
The Prakriti Manuscript makes clear that this endeavor is one of chaos, appropriation, and reinvention. Whether or not the author ever completed his take on the rest of the series - hinted at on the back cover - is unknown, perhaps for the best. Enough change transpired in the first installment so as to be a complete page one rewrite.
As the foremost scholar of the author, my personal recommendation is not to tarry and think too long about any given work here as the madness tends to bleed over into one's psyche after a time.
The Samskara Manuscript
This manuscript was the first I attempted to translate and study, and thus my footnote work is more detailed than elsewhere. It was after completing this leg of the work (and after the resulting nightmares that evening) that I decided a lighter touch and a squinty-er eye might bear more sustainable fruits.
In this text, we are introduced to the chief characters of the Ida-Nadi - elsewhere also referred to as the Stone Searchers Saga - these being the author, his brother, and their two cousins closest in age to themselves.
STEET FIGHTERS: The Stunt Contest(a)
"Somone needs to fix that board on the bridge"!!! I yelled trying to dry myself of with my shirt. (Street Hawk still looked gullty).
"c'mon , lets go back to the jumps" said Street Falcon.
The sshh was(b) the air letting out of my tires. The AAagh was me flying through the air. The crunch was me hitting the tree, the bang was my landing, and the clank was my bike landing on top of me. I wish I was unconscious.
Woke up an our(c) later and found out I was.
(a) Thanks to both ubiquitous oral tradition and textual context clues in the monikers of Street Falcon and Street Hawk, we understand the intended title of this text to be "Street Fighters," and "Steet Fighters" to most likely be nothing more than an inauspicious beginning in terms of literacy.
(b) In the original manuscript, the s in "was" did not fit on the page due to a lack of foresight and mismanagement of line space and thus occupied the right hand page while the rest of the word occupies the left. This avant garde ingenuity in calligraphy captures the full-throttle mindset of the protagonist.
(c) The misspelling of "hour" here characterizes the trauma and disorientation of the protagonist after having suffered what, having resulted in an hour of unconsciousness, can only be described as a truly horrific brain injury.
The Kirtan Manuscript
The Kirtan Manuscript is the chief text of the Ida-Nadi and represents the vast majority of recovered writing. It is a treasure trove both in terms of sheer content and aiding in making a list of the numerous disparate IPs which the author appropriates and which would certainly have grounds to sue had the Stone Searchers Saga ever become a financially viable work. This list as it stands includes The Lord of the Rings, Command and Conquer, Eragon, Pokemon, Star Wars, LEGO, Bionicle, and Mrs. Frisby and the Rats of NIMH.
STONE SEARCHERS #2
The quest for servival
(I mite write #2, I'm not sure.)
ritten by: Matthew Spradling
Ilistrated by: nobody!!!
[there are several illustrations on the right page]
Chris: STREET HAWK
Ashleigh: SWIFT FALCAN
Matt: SILVER EAGLE
Let me go back that we ran out of nicknames for Bow, and he would have been Rocker, but it sounded kind'a wierd.
When I woke up, I heard Street Hawk on the computer. It was that Comand And Concer game. He got off to check Emales. Me, Him, Swift Falcan, and Bow had one. It said: You have a dangeris isinment, you four must use the pok'emon you have, to help cellect all stones of NIHM. -Roren.
It's Roren! I said. He's the giy that gave us those thingeimododole's!
your right! said Ashly.
But what dos he mean NHIM? I siad. Every body shoock there head's. I dont know? siad bow. Hey! Thers more.
The 2 stone's Street Hawk has are Psykick and Nature.
Silver Eagle, Envisabelety and Rainbow.
Swift falcan and bow, unown.
That's not fair! yelled bow, And ran out of the room crying. He always says that. I siad. NO! siad Swift Falcan.
Uhou! OK! BUT!
This always happens whenever I do somthing everybody start's a fite. said bow walking in. Hay, guus what the screen just showed!
What? The team's stuff! The stone is - agility. The ship is - 1403 Choper, The wepon is Naboo Blaster! Hay! And here are theAnamils we can morph to!
STREET HAWK: Spinner Dolphin, Wolf, Paragrin Falcan.
SILVER Eagle: Tiger Shak, Cheetah, Bald Eagle.
SWIFT FALCAN: Botle Nose Dolphen, Golden Eagle
BOW: Grate White Shark, Elaphant, Paret.
Yes! I said.
Hey! Let's go try - just then the dorbell rang, and every body saw a black Lemo! Rorren! We got your enffermation! O mom, it's nothing, just the mail man, he got my Book Order.
I slipped outside with Loutenent Roren. Hi! I said. I'decome in, vary quitley!
We came in and ran upstars. At supper, I just came down and brang it up. The next day, Roren gave the 4 of us, somthing. Hey, how do you get pok'emon? That's what those are for, the's are Pokedex!
Wazzup! Said the pok'edex. Hou? O! These axtoly arnt real pok'edex, but I forgot - yes, thes - O - I forgot again. Here, I'll tell you how to make Pokemon on here! Street Hawk, u u u - Mewto plees! He typed somothing in - olovosoden, a larg psykick pok'emon apperd in the room! And you, um, I said: TIPHLOSEN!
MAMA! said bow.
Marrel! A blue Pok'emon started hopping around. I'm Charisard!!! Said bow.
Here's yor ball! said 1 Loutenet.
I want to see it! said bow.
Outside then everebody! Roren siad. Give yor pok'emon some fresh air! He said agian.
OK! yelled Bow. Let's gow then! He sed again.
We 5 went out.
Bow's Charizard flue away. On 2 thot, I'll take Metopod. A giant green cocoon lay on the ground. Retern! said bow. Retern! Retern! Retern! We said. Ok, so, whats all this about? I said.
Well did you watch the News Last night? Ummm, yaa! Well, did you hear about Nihm? Ehem, well I that is we didn't! Ok. I'll tell you! It said that NIIHM was a seccret Millatary base, and somhow had short sercated, and now is Vary EVEL! It is now powerd by Milleon's of stones. Well, like, what kind of stones?
Our Mom came out, she fainted. You want to go to the creeck, shere!
We went and I said - Let's try to morph! Just then, in the sky was - us! Me, Bald Eagle, Street Hawk, ParagriFalcan, Swift Falcan, Golden Eagle and Bow, Parat. WOW!
We went home. We showed our Mom. Then roren expaind it to her and my dad. The next day we started to go on The jurny. The Long Jurny.
at Arcaidia we saw a huge silver speder.
When we got on, it started flyin.
When it landed we got of.
Right infrontof us, was a huge mansion! Olovosoden, a bunch of tie figters started shootin' at us!
This way! yelled roren. We hid behind a big tree and began shooting at them.
About an hour later, we went inside. each of us got a wepon.
Street Hawk: Ice Sord
Silver eagle: Bow n' Arrow
bow: BB gun
And swift falcan: fire sord.
Next we went back outside and did some Archery, BB gunshooting, and some rafting and came back, then Roren told us our first location and explaind that he wasn't coming with us.
The next day we started and ended up in a
forest. We started to go this way, but somhow, we got seporated. I was in the middle of the jungle, and I bumped into a sine Mota nuie
I Looked up just in time to see some kinda fly. The Nui-Rama!!! I screemed. I jumped upatree and remembered everething about the masks! I had a toy one in my pocket I took it out and tapped it. Suddenly it became bigger!
As another one flew by, I jumped on it's back. I jerked the inficted mask out and put in the good one. Now I can steer it! I thout. I thout ronge. Soon we had crashed in another part of the Islend.
Ko-koto!!! I said. I stepped on somthing hard. I bent down to cheeck it out. Cccrrraaaccckkk!!! the cliff was falling! with me on it! emedeatley I tor out a flute that I had found and began playing. then the good Nui-Rama came and picked me up! Of course he was going strigt down!
We Landed. Welanded in Ta-koto. We Landed in Ta-koro right behind swift falcon. Siwiftfalcon! I yelled. Hey! Streethawk and bow were there to!
Where'd you go!? Don't now. Hey! did you get a fluit to? Yep. Cool! Lets explore.
TAHU!!! We ran. Fast.
We ended up in sum kinda cave. Great. Silver Eagle's gon again, said Bow. Well will have to go on without him. Let's go. It seemed about half way trough, when an army of urk-Hai-bloodlest sarounded us. Chris and Ashley took out there sowrds, and knocked out one Entire side of them. We dashed down the cave. We Exited the caverns into a small clearing. we 3 ass silver never showd up in the cave, hid in spret bushes before the orc cam out. But wolves had already spoted us and knocked us out of the bushes were the orc were waiting. It was the most famus whore ever. At the end we three were still alive, but only 4 orc. Chris and Bow were tied up. One was garding them. Two held Ashley captive and 1 took apart our weapons. they tied Ashley up to and laid her on top of us both. the (what semed) Master orc was going to chop us in half. Suddenley an Arrow bolted down the forest and stopped in the field, All the orc fell dead. Then Silver Eggle came into view on the nearest mointain. He must have done it with his bown' Arrow. Soon enoph we rebuilt the other weapons. Silver Eagle said he had some trouble with some goblins on his way up the montain. He shot them all and was almost out of arrow's. Olavasodin we herd something. Luke and Vader came into veiw fighting, to where we started cheering for Luke. Ashly was saying something under her breath. Bow's was Vader Vader he's our man, if he can't doit GREAT! Chrises sounded chinys, and mine was - kick em in da can Luke! Kick em in da can! O man, Vader cut off my hand! Hey - wait a munute! I watch too much T.V.! I said waking up. Afer I had saved them from the orc and come down from the mountain, we had falled aslleep. The other three, Swift Falcon, Bow, and Street Hawk, were what looked to me a-wake and telling storeise. Sound like they were true. They were. WARNING! The further passage of Bow's story should be read under adult super vision!
Here's his true story: "I pead on an electric fence once. Sure woke me up."
Parents may now leave.
I sat up in my vine pallet. O.K. people lets sing! On top of spagetti, all covered with blood, I shot my poor teacher, with a twentei-two smug! I went to the hospital, she wasn't quite dead, I took bazzoka, and blew off her head! I went to the grave yard, I pead on her grave, some people through flowers, I through a grenade. Hey man, youre up! You've been asleep for three days. Almost thought you were dead. well I'm not, O.K.? ya, sure.
I almost forgot! At the top of the mountain, there's some gold mines! I was about to take some, but then youre yells for help, and the goblins, came for me. Hey, said Street Hawk, Do you tink those flutes we found a wile ago was from there? Maybe, I said. Hey, you know we better go someware else. I have a feeling somone or something knows were here, play youre flutes! Why? Just do it o.k.? The good rahi came for us. I explained it to them. After flying a few hours of flying, we landed somware in Po-Wahi. Hey, Silver Eagle! What's that shiny place over there! Get down, just in case! I looked over the rock. It was shining purple. Lets go check it out. It seemed like a mile. When we got there I pulled out my bow'n arrow. Chris, youre Nature stone! I need a few vines! I tied 'em to the arrow. I shot at the cliff. O.k. Chris, it's a straight rope, you can go get some of it. He came down with a huge chunk of it. It broke into four peaces. We each got one. They felt very smooth. Don't you think this is kinda weird? Seid Swift Falcon, No. AAAggghhh!!!!!!
One dragon stood behind each of us. That makes four. And I'm not kidden, Dragons! They looked freindly enough. They flew us bakc to the mountain, where we could get to the tresure. Our dragons can be kept in the purple stones. They were Dragon Stones.
Bow's dragon had 1 head, Swift Falcons had 2 heads. Mine had 3, and Street Hawks had 4. Hey guys, shouldn't we be look'n for Nhim? O.k., Lets go. We flew to LE-Koro. There was aman standing in front of what we had pictured Nhim as. we asked him what it was. The man answerd, I'v never heard of Nihm, this is NiSH. O, ok. We're kinda look'in for a place called Nhi. We're sopposd to do, somtin, with it. Hey, nice neckalas! Thanks, said the man. Were'd ya get it? O, I, I, I ya... he stutred, I ya... I found it! Ya I found it. Cool. C'mon guys,. Hey, I thought I saw something on that mountain up there! Here, quick, give me those binoculars Silver eagle! Chris said. That's gollum! Uh-oh, he just saw us and now he's crawling down the mountain! quick into those bushes over there! We all hid
Wait, Gollum has the best scence of smell of anyone I can think of. quick deeper into the forest, he's getting close. Ahh! Said Bow. What is it? I asked. My sword turned blue. Oh-no, Bow, when you got it, did Roren say any thing to you about it? Like, elves for enstance? Um, yah! He said it was an elvish blade, made in Gondilen long ago, and would shine blue when... oh-no, orcs are near. Whoa, said Chris, so is gullum! C'mon into the forest! Wait. What would gollum do too us? Were armed, he's not. good point. Hold your ground gollum ran up to us. Matt pulled out his bow and stringed an arrow with hands faster than eyes. before any-body made a move ashley yelld Help! We whirld around, but all we saw was ashlys weapons on th ground and a band of Uruk-Hai dissapearing into the forest. there was nothing we could do. ashly was gone and gollum escaped. We have two choices, said Chris. go west into the next stage and without ashly, Or, go east, into the rohirimm plains, to get back ashly. I think we all know what is to be done.
When Silver Eagle, Street hawk, Swift Falcon and bow find themselvs in an Intierly different world that is controld big Eveil stones that they have to collect and Each one contians a secret Power. But do they know what will come next? to find out, read Stone Serchers #1.
The Mudra Manuscript
Although the Mudra Manuscript is labelled "Stone Searchers #1" and the Kirtan Manuscript "#2", the external context clues make clear (inasmuch as these texts can ever be described as clear) that the release order is the reverse. The author learned early from George Lucas that ordering should be as confusing as possible, and thus apparently set out to establish a prequel to his original masterpiece found in the Kirtan Manuscript and later continued in the Vedas Manuscript.
This dramatic fragment of text grants us a rare glimpse of the dark and bloodstained origins of the world (it's Bionicle) but is except for the beginning section no longer legible due to disaster and the ravages of time.
STONE SEARCHERS #1
Ohua, Gali, Tahu, Pohatu, Lewa, Kopaka
Strienth, briething, sheilding, 5peed, levatiation, x-ray vision
On a massive Land, -Toa-Battle-death-victory. The Tahu, Ancheint gardein of fire, and Leader of the Toa, had lust found his "Lavataition" mask and saw Kopaka in a huge snow drift of what had been a avalanch a few minuts ago. LOOK-OUT!!! yelled Kopaka. Tahu turned around face-to-face with a "50" yard wide pack of Nui-Rama.
Tahu picked out Kopaka from the snow and ran the other way and suddenley dropped in to one of Onuas amazzing Earth labrenths of tunnles and caves.
The other toa were standing there. BOOM! Something huge had just Hit the ground above the cave. boulders and large rocks began falling from the top of the cave. It was caving-in. Kopak
The Vedas Manuscript
In the Vedas Manuscript, the final surviving piece of the Ida-Nadi able to be partially salvaged, we are not granted much resolution to the saga, but do find a condensed example of the three major themes at play: the direct theft of specific scenes from The Lord of the Rings as though in a swirling dream of copyright infringement, the dubious synthesis of these scenes with numerous other IPs, and the constant change in spelling of Beau's name, none of which are correct.
STONE SEARCHERS #3
orbital eigt: Attack of the clones
[inside leaf: an unfortunately phallic diagram of Orbital Eight, the titular base comprised of a ficus tree on top of a round table on top of a rectangular table]
In the Astroid-belt one Astroid floats above all others. Orbital eigt, energolactic LEGO Base of the upper reigen along with the new Repuplic obout 3,000,000 m. away. Thats wy they have portals. 4,000 i -up to it - go through - next base.
In the lower reigon we've planted out posts to defete the Mama and Dada. The past battles wev'e had, they defeted us. We were always forced to retreit. Mama has many woreships. Dada has Eveil stones and orbs. This is the story of our last battle.
it was a hot afternoon crossing the roharimm plains. they had only a few packs of food and almost no drink. Chris pulled out his Lightsaber. When he turned iton, he pushed a tiney lever near the bottom that opened up the bottem of the lightsaber. it revealed a pad of buttons. then he started pressing in a code. He finished after a while and put it back. What were you Doing? asked matt. nothing. He said. they journeyed on through the countless filds of grass five feet tall. the trail of the orcs came off into the feild a little ways then joined the mane group. Look. said bough. He held a Dragon stone. it is a token. said matt. ashly must still be alive. there is still hope. said chris. then they ran through thier trail, Day and night. it was the third week scence the company of orcs took ashly Hostage. they had entered a mountain range. they were resting when an orc peeked over a ledge. they had barely seen it when an aero struck it in the Back of the head.
Thus concludes our portrait of the idiot as a young man, as for better or worse the remainder of the story is lost or indecipherable. It exists somewhere on a spectrum including Cormac McCarthy and The Dark Tower and perhaps Shrek but I'm not prepared to graph that out. In the end, once you publicly release something like Issue 34, there ceases to be any embarrassment about things like this. HMU if you want to collab on my Bionicle/Eragon fic further.
Oh, I almost forgot this is technically a review. I of course give all of this a 1 out of 10.
Plug: Our Pod Is An Awesome Pod
Chief Love, Liberty, Disco Correspondent Matt Spradling
Is the term "plug" only supposed to be used when you're advertising your own thing, not somebody else's? Well who cares, no one is reading this anyway, but you should be reading I mean listening to this! That's a professional level transition right there.
This podcast examines classic Christian albums that you're probably familiar with if you grew up Christian in the 90's and early 00's. As someone who indeed only listened to Christian rock from ages 6 to 12 and still bears the mental scars (which is to say I still get Newsboys songs stuck in my head that I genuinely haven't listened to in over a decade), I can say you're in good company here and it's a cathartic experience.
The hosts examine the music with enthusiasm but also appropriate criticism, and are just generally very funny and entertaining and good podcast people. Wow, Issue 38 really used up my word count for the rest of 2020 and I was hoping it would come flooding back January 1st but nope this is the trailblazing journalism you're stuck with.
I can even claim the co-host, Luke, as a former coworker rather than a mere podcast stranger because I had exactly one conversation with him. And then I told Alex to tell him congrats for me when he attended his wedding last year, and Alex said no.
Anyway, I recommend checking out their first episode, DC Talk's Jesus Freak.
Romeo and Juliet - Dire Straits
I only knew of this song because of The Killers' cover (Sawdust is the best Killers album don't@me) but I like the original too, turns out. Haven't heard it in years and then the first Liverpool match to have a small amount of fans back in the stadium since the pandemic began someone had a sign that read "I love you like the stars above, I'll love you 'til I die" and boy it hit different. -Matt
Brandy (You're a Fine Girl) - Looking Glass
[stares into the camera like Jim on The Office] -Marina
cowboy like me - Taylor Swift
I'm a very new Swiftie but I think this is my favorite song of hers... ever. It sounds like a classic country song, in music and in lyrics, and I'm absolutely in love with it. I like Taylor best when she's writing timeless stories and that's exactly how I'd describe this song. -Sam
Unrequited Night - Lily Kershaw
I vote this song as most likely to be used as the music for the trailer of an indie film shown at Sundance Film Festival some day in the future. -Jenna
Moth Man - Dirty Bynum
If you've always wanted to integrate the Mothman into more aspects of your life, this song is a great start. It's the closest you can get to the soothing screeches of the Mothman himself without the commitment of driving to West Virginia. As an added bonus, this song also features electric guitars and a drumline. While it is still unclear if the Mothman enjoys rock music, he seems like the type of moth that listens to heavy metal. Happy listening! -Wendy
How to Disappear Completely - Radiohead
Honestly, I love any song that sounds like it wouldn't be out of place in a movie montage about a ghost town. The strummed acoustic guitar hearkens to a more country-folk perspective, but the haunting vocals seem to deny that hearkening. For, you see, the vocals reverberate in the foreground, separated from the acoustic guitar which lies away in the background, as if the studio execs took the "distance" dial for the guitar and changed it all the way to "over there." As the song builds, that distance just seems to grow even more. "I'm not here/This isn't happening." -Andrew
His Master's Voice - Monsters of Folk
Was this secretly the best Monsters of Folk song all along? I'm afraid so, Temazcal. It perfectly encapsulates the tone I think this supergroup was going for, and I kind of wish they had more than the two harmony bits in it because they're the best thing you'll ever hear and the acoustic guitar is so soft it knocks my teeth out. -Matt
Toss A Coin To Your Witcher - Sonya Belousova, Giona Ostinelli, Joey Batey
This was my top song according to my Spotify Wrapped, in case you weren't aware of how big of a fuckin' nerd I was. (It does slap, though, right? I love Geralt almost as much as Dandelion.). -Marina
Susie Save Your Love - Allie X, Mitski
An absolute BOP. Perfect. Instantly improves my mood. Mitski has the voice of a goddamn angel. I have no other thoughts. Leave me alone. -Sam
The "I Know The End" scream on repeat - Phoebe Bridgers
Also known as my farewell speech to 2020. I really love watching this and I'm not sure why. -Jenna
All I Do Is Win - DJ Khaled, feat. T-Pain, Ludacris, Snoop Dogg, and Rick Ross
I dunno, it seemed like a funny juxtaposition to include this song in the Office Chart opposite a Radiohead song immediately following last week's Radiohead edition of the Newsletter. This is one of those timeless, ultimate hype songs. My number one tip for getting ready for work? Find a canned alcoholic beverage, chug ALL of it, and then turn this song all the way up and stumble into your workplace. It'll go fine, I'm sure. -Andrew
Nail It on the First Try - The Felice Brothers
Yeah that's right it's the holidays kind of so I'm adding as many as I want. The Felice Brothers sound like Christmas whiskey. They don't give a fuck and it shows in the best way. This, "Jack at the Asylum," and "Special Announcement" are all-timers for me. -Matt
What Kind Of Man - Florence + The Machine
I feel like this goes harder than any other Florence song and all I've ever really wanted from her is an entire album like this song. Also the music video is a masterpiece even though I couldn't even begin to tell you what it's about. -Matt
Banner: A Sam Strohmeyer original collage
Frankly all of these images are originals so we don't really need attributions. Yes, Alex tracked down the 90 Day Fiancé people personally.