Issue 14 - 04/29/19
- Happy Monday, Idiots
- You Can Just Do Things
- So That Relationship You Thought Was Going to Be the One Ended and You Are Twenty-Two and Also Confused
- If You Don't Like Sansa Stark I Will Fight You
- Introducing Pawscars
- Plug: Bees
- Horoscopes: Jersey Shore
- Office Chart
Happy Monday, Idiots
Brewmaster-level contributor Alex Speed, Ascendant-level contributor Matt Spradling
[No additional content]
You Can Just Do Things
Ascendant-level contributor Matt Spradling
Was at Bennu Friday, having coffee on the patio like people do sometimes when they're trying to be a fancy movie person or vape. It was fine, I don't know, 6/10, but then a bird falls out of the sky dead like. Just bounces off a table like a ping pong ball after your dog's been at it. Misses a guy sitting there by about a foot. We make eye contact for a moment. What happens to you when you start your day that way? I wouldn't feel at all safe if I were him and I had to fly that afternoon. Like some daft avian Final Destination. We both leave.
You can just do things. Yeah? Yeah. I don't know how to phrase this not like a particularly inane stoner so bear with me. You can actually kind of just do anything you want? Did I miss a class on that in like 6th grade? Was that the plot to the first Assassin's Creed?
Starting at what is more or less my first office job has given me the realisation that business are kind of just people gathering in a room because they decided to do something and other people in other rooms have made plans involving said thing and if it stopped working for some reason then we would all just go find some other place to do some other thing and you're never really trapped or locked into anything as much as you might think. I know that's kind of I'm-14-and-this-is-deep but it's also technically true and serves as a good counterbalance to the opposite extreme which is paralyzing.
Maybe I'm just uppity after successfully moving jobs. Maybe I've caught a nihilistic case of capitalism after founding Pawscars which is both absurd and sure to be financially lucrative. Maybe I'm going through an extended and early mid-life crisis. Maybe someone spiked one of the cold brew pitchers in the work fridge with drugs. If so, sorry not sorry, police.
I don't know what the lesson is here. I guess keeping your agency in mind is empowering, and keeping an eye out for opportunities to throw it around a little can bear lots of random juicy fruit. Go find a dog. Dig up a plant and replant it a foot away to assert dominance over insects. Make a deal with apartment neighbors to knock out the walls separating you and construct a massive blanket fort. Order a pizza for your grandparents. Go outside.
So That Relationship You Thought Was Going to Be the One Ended and You Are Twenty-Two and Also Confused
Brewmaster-level contributor Alex Speed
I'll be honest -- not a particularly funny premise. Here's the deal though, this shit sucks. It's a very strange realization to be alone for the first time since you were eighteen. The world seems heavier and more out to get you now that drinking is legal and you understand the tax benefits of a 401K.
The thing no one explains when you're deep in the trenches of falling in love is that sometimes things hit that weird fizzle-out period. Maybe you know what i'm talking about: where nothing is noticeably wrong (no one has set anyone's car on fire or assumed someone else's identity for future murder reasons) but the desire to stay together pales in comparison to having more free time and less responsibility. Articulating these reasons might even make you feel worse, because those don't seem like acceptable reasons to terminate a three-and-a-half year commitment. However, here you are - drunk at your friend's house wondering why you would ever choose to be lonely.
At this point, I think it is easy to start blaming the world around you. It's movies' fault for setting unrealistic expectations. It's your parent's fault for dropping you when you were a baby which you KNOW is the reason you can't be in a functional relationship. The list could go on forever, and it is a welcome distraction from the unique experience of feeling like you have somehow completed half of a suicide. I almost turned this article into another weekly restaurant roundup where the restaurant was me crying on the floor of my kitchen into two mostly empty cans of Lone Star Light (I'm single now it's time to start watching my figure again) but I think I'll save that for a future where that is no longer the truth.
The point is that breaking up with a partner is very difficult, no matter the time spent together. It is the fastest way to realize the fragility of your ego, and how large and scary the world is when you no longer have someone to send you pictures of dogs when you are sad.
If You Don't Like Sansa Stark I Will Fight You
Seneschal-level contributor Sam Strohmeyer
The title pretty much says it all. If you don't love and respect Sansa Stark, for any reason, I will fight you. I'm currently in Fort Worth and will return to Austin on Thursday, May 2nd. We will meet near the dumpsters in the parking lot of my building. My apartment is strictly off limits as my cat could get scared and that is unacceptable.
We will default to hand-to-hand combat but if you'd prefer we use weapons we can. Please only bring blunt force weapons (aka baseball bats, hammers, etc) because I'd like to avoid making a scene.
I will also accept a duel. We will follow all classic duel rules as set by The Old White Men That Used To Do This Sort Of Thing When They Weren't Enslaving Human Beings.
You are allowed to bring no more than two witnesses. No cops, no snitches, no Cersei fans. That should all be obvious.
Feel free to text or email my assistant at email@example.com to set up an appointment.
Looking forward to seeing you!
Ascendant-level contributor Matt Spradling
By way of verbal agreement and blood oath, it's a collaboration involving the rest of the Newsletter team, but I bear sole responsibility for it in its current state.
Now, the reason it is the way that it is follows from using a web design template created for a hypothetical cafe, and since I am not finished magically twirling the Slytherin banners of portafilters and impostor CEOs into the Gryffindor banners of dogs and aggressive legal disclaimers, there are places where info wordlessly transitions from Pawscars to cafe.
My brother insists that it should not be touched as its current state is an absurdist, hall-of-mirrors masterpiece. I feel as though our target market, women who have instagrams specifically for their pets, aren't particularly likely to appreciate the Kafkaesque nightmare I've unintentionally borne unto the dimming world, but I guess we'll just have to wait until the focus group results come in.
Anyway, enjoy it while you can.
Also just to be clear it's Pawscars like The Oscars but with paws like an animal pun, not Paw Scars which is dark. I didn't think that would be an issue, but, you know, focus groups seem to assume the worst when I'm involved.
Horoscopes: Jersey Shore
Seneschal-level contributor Sam Strohmeyer
Okay, I know A Newsletter isn't going to really be the audience for this. I've seen the entirety of The Jersey Shore. Three times. It's the only reality show I've ever enjoyed and I have a hard time explaining why. That might be an article for another time.
Anyway, here you go I guess!
CAPRICORN - Capricorn, you're Vinny. You're a little detached and a bit anxious, but everyone loves you for your humor and your gigantic chest piece. Also, stop trying to get into Snookie's pants. She's married!
AQUARIUS - It's my duty to tell you you are Angelina, Aquarius. Sure, sometimes you gossip a bit and get a lil weird when you're drunk, but everyone always ends up forgiving you. After a big blowout fight, of course.
PISCES - Pisces, there's no easy way to say this. You're Sammi. Don't be offended! You just have a tendency of getting into relationships with meatheads who treat you like garbage and break your glasses and PUT THEIR HEAD BETWEEN A COCKTAIL WAITRESS' BREASTS.
ARIES - You have pure Snookie energy, Aries. You're a ton of fun and everyone loves you ever since that guy punched you at that bar in Season 1. Live it up!
TAURUS - Taurus, you're Deena. You're similar to Snookie but 25% messier, which shouldn't even be possible. You shouldn't be possible. Where are you from, Taurus? Who made you?
GEMINI - We've got a situation, Gemini. There's no way around it. You're Mike. You have a dual nature. Sometimes you make all your friends dinner and provide everyone a shoulder to cry on. Sometimes you're so coked out you don't realize your downstairs business is out.
CANCER - Cancer, you're Pauly D! Oh yeah! Fistpump, pushup, chapstick! Cabs are here! You're too goddamn old for this. My god.
LEO - You're ready to throw a bitch down, Leo. That's why you're JWOWW, aka Jenny. You're an amazing friend and oh my god I am so afraid of you. I swear to god I didn't throw that drink. Please don't come after my family. My brother just destroyed his knee and he really can't take much more. Please.
VIRGO - Virgo, you're the ultimate buzzkill, Jionni. Sorry. You kind of need to chill and accept that sometimes your girlfriend is gonna flash the entire club. It's not a big deal.
LIBRA - Ah, The Unit. Yes, his name is The Unit. You're just going to have to watch all of season 5 to really understand. Basically, Mike says that he hooked up with Snookie off camera but in front of The Unit and one of Snookie's friends. Snookie says it didn't happen (it would mean she cheated on Jionni) but over the course of the season it becomes pretty clear that she probably did it. So Mike decides to call The Unit and have him meet everyone at KARMA (the hottest club in Seaside) to be a witness for The Reckoning. I'd tell you more but it really needs to be seen.
SCORPIO - Scorpio, you're Ronnie. I'm so sorry. Just... get some help.
| LOOK! |
Car Seat Headrest - Destroyed By Hippie Powers
Car Seat Headrest - Cosmic Hero
Bright Eyes - Easy/Lucky/Free
Better Oblivion Community Center - Sleepwalkin' - Daydreamin' Version
Franz Ferdinand - All For You, Sophia
Franz Ferdinand - Van Tango
1 Trait Danger - Banger on a Plane
Honeycombs: stmed.net, xmple.com
Sam's deformed horoscope abomination rabbit: heaven