Issue 15 - 05/20/19

How to Flirt Via LinkedIn
Top 7 Ways to Avoid Thinking About the Inevitable Demise of Humans
Order With Dom

OpossumsOfficial
Crossword
Horoscopes
Office Chart

How to Flirt Via LinkedIn

Brewmaster-level contributor Alexander Speed

If you read last week's Newsletter you know that I am recently single and also sad (Pretty funny, right?). As a way to stop being sad I have decided to get my flirt on through what is decidedly the sexiest social media platform -- LinkedIn. The following is a comprehensive list of ways to find your future tax write-off.

Be sure to endorse your new potential love interest in the most sensual of office skills. Favorites are: Entrepreneurship, Portuguese Fluency, Concealed Handgun License, Espionage, and Teamwork; you get the picture.
LinkedIn does this weird thing where it tells you who viewed your profile. This makes viewing someone's profile essentially the online equivalent of deadass staring someone down at the park. You can use this to your advantage by viewing someone's profile every night before you go to sleep. This way every morning your potential betrothed will wake up to a notification that you had once again viewed their profile. Very romantic.
Send them job openings they are clearly underqualified for. "Hey I saw Indeed was looking for a new CTO, you thinking of throwing your hat in the ring?"
Start a podcast.
Upload candid pictures of yourself surrounded by piles of money. Be sure to include captions about how all your money keeps you humble and never mention your parents still pay your rent.
Start a new business. Make a LinkedIn Business page and also roughly 100 accounts so you can populate your new fake business. Find some really sexy stock photos for authenticity. You're gonna need pictures of an office that looks like it's from the future, you can pretty much copy-paste a frat directory for your profiles, and make a logo that is an outline of two letters joined together. Next you will have to make another fake profile for a recruiter offering your love interest a job at your new, very impressive, very fake company. Once they accept, you just have to rent an empty office building for a day. When they walk in they will find you have set up the empty office into a candlelit picnic. They will either fall in love with you or you will go to prison (You will go to prison).

Top 7 Ways to Avoid Thinking About the Inevitable Demise of Humans

Breezeblocks-level contributor Jacob Slaght

Humans as a species are power-hungry and vain to the point of self-extinction. The detrimental importance of self image, pride and greed has and will continue to ravage societies, ecosystems and lead to chaos amongst all planetary beings. Here's the top 7 ways to avoid thinking about it.

1. Chores

Chores are a great way to clear the mind and get something done at the same time! You have decades to ignore those less fortunate, might as well benefit yourself simultaneously.

2. Go for a Walk

Going for a walk might just be enough to get your mind off of the never-ending turmoil across the world. Don't forget to hydrate.

3. Read a Book

Sitting down and studying your favorite novel is a classic way to avoid the incessant cries for help that beckon our society.

4. Recreational Activity

Whether you prefer some gym time pumping iron or some casual fun in the sun, you're sure to forget all about your responsibility as a human to take care of this planet when you're catching some sun rays outside.

5. Try a New Restaurant

In the mood for something sweet or spicy? Head out with some of your friends and go try a new dish or cuisine to satiate your power-hungry needs!

6. Go Shopping

Got a little extra cash burning a hole in your pocket? Well don't donate it to any charities or private organizations, spend it on tangible things right now! A phone or a new purse is sure to lift your spirits and occupy your mind. Fiscal responsibility is for people who can't afford to buy nice and shiny stuff.

7. Make a List

Making a list of things to do takes up so much time, you'll be too busy to think about the relentless poor treatment of people across the world.

Order With Dom

Magistrate-level contributor Matt Spradling

Chapter 1

I scowl with frustration at myself in the mirror. Damn my hair - it just won't behave, and damn Katherine Kavanagh for being ill and subjecting me to this ordeal. I should be studying for my final exams, which are next week, yet here I am trying to brush my hair into submission. I must not sleep with it wet. I must not sleep with it wet. Reciting this mantra several times, I attempt, once more, to bring it under control with the brush. I roll my eyes in exasperation and gaze at the pale, brown-haired girl with blue eyes too big for her face staring back at me, and give up. My only option is to restrain my wayward hair in a ponytail and hope that I look semi presentable.

Kate is my roommate, and she has chosen today of all days to succumb to the flu. Therefore, she cannot attend the interview she'd arranged to do, with some mega-industrialist tycoon I've never heard of, for the student newspaper. So I have been volunteered. I have final exams to cram for, one essay to finish, and I'm supposed to be working this afternoon, but no - today I have to drive a hundred and sixty-five miles to downtown Seattle in order to meet the enigmatic CEO of Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc. As an exceptional entrepreneur and major benefactor of our University, his time is extraordinarily precious - much more precious than mine - but he has granted Kate an interview. A real coup, she tells me. Damn her extra-curricular activities.

Chapter 3

My stomach scowls with consternation. Damn my goddamn internet. My week has been a whirlwind, and my weekend thus far has provided no respite. I sit at my computer trying to order something healthy from the Healthy Something store because I'm just in such a hurry for tonight, but damn my internet.

I look at the clock - 6:49 and 27 - no - 28 seconds. I shut my laptop like a window to a better future and whip out my phone. The Domino's Pizza app is there, inevitable, and I open it like a window to my Domino's pizza app. I guess tonight will just have to be a pizza night.

The interface is painfully familiar as I swipe down to find my Easy Order - all too easy - but something is off. Something new. Someone new.

An AI interface to assist with pizza ordering? Well, this is the future, I laugh to myself, hard, too hard, far too hard, several orders of magnitude too hard.

I send through my Easy Order as per usual and fetch my shoes and keys to go pick it up. The one lesson my grandfather taught me is to never have anything delivered. He died of a preventable and treatable illness, but my family inherited enough of his frugally saved money to live comfortably for a week or two.

Chapter 6

The now-familiar, inscrutable, frustrating, utterly domineering face stares back at me, all white-on-red confidence and unblinking eyes.

The storm pouring over the window in front of me mirrors the tears pouring over my big dumb face. I'm crying because I'm super sad about all the messed-up crud that happened to me in chapters 4 and 5. I'm sad because it was super bad and I like to be happy but I'm not so I'm not.

"Fuck you, Todd," I scream as I bring a careless fist down onto my keyboard. Why couldn't he just slice the chicken? The rain does not cease. Eventually I look up. I've idled so long that the chat function has seemingly auto-replied. What can I assist you with? it asks. He asks.

I stare like a deer in headlights but that wants to get hit. My fingers tremble - damn my typos - as I type: I nneed to no be alone.

I wait. After a moment, Dom replies. I know.

Chapter 10

OpossumsOfficial

Magistrate-level contributor Matt Spradling

Opossums are pretty cool. Is this a plug? Maybe not officially, but I suppose it is practically speaking.

Are all Newsletter articles essentially plugs? Also probably technically true. Just plugs for ridiculous and irrelevant ideas that nobody asked for and which are probably not actionable. I guess if we're considering ideas to be endorsable and advertiseable objects, then literally everything is a plug of some sort. That's what communication is. I could also go down the rabbit hole about what constitutes rhetoric and how it's actually kind of intrinsic to all forms of life and even trees have it, but nobody who wasn't a rhetoric major cares about rhetoric and also most rhetoric majors don't particularly care about rhetoric. But opossums have rhetoric, and opossums care about rhetoric, inasmuch as they can.

Yeah they're pretty cool.

People hate on them because they are admittedly a little wild looking and one time I went outside to feed our cats and opened the big plastic pitcher of food to pour it but instead of a lot of food coming out, a little food came out along with a small opossum that had somehow gotten into the closed pitcher and been trapped there feasting for god knows how long, and that seems like fairly typical opossum behavior, and I would argue that this blatant disregard for the rules is charming but I understand how some less cool people would consider it a nuisance. Aesthetic is a different matter than rhetoric. Actually it kind of isn't but as I've said, nobody cares about rhetoric.

But most of those things are misconceptions.

One time when I was 11 our dog attacked a opossum in our backyard. It stood its ground like a crazy mf. We decided that even as humans it was intimidating enough having our dog Lucy charge at you, so it must be several times more terrifying if you were a creature significantly smaller than Lucy. Like stepping out for a smoke and looking up and there's a Chevy Tahoe silently hurtling towards you at 50mph, god help you. So, we concluded, it must clearly be rabid. Fair, right? And since it was logically rabid, we concluded that we should probably shoot it, because Texas. Turns out, though, the only gun we apparently had was a 12 gauge, because Texas. For the unfamiliar, a 12 gauge shotgun is a bit overkill for a poor little bastard opossum. A 12 gauge shotgun is also decidedly not Peaceful Nighttime Sounds when you're living in a fairly crowded suburban neighborhood.

Events proceeded thusly:

My dad went to fetch said 12 gauge shotgun.
My brother and I were left in the backyard keeping an eye on the opossum. It just stood there, half in the bushes, half snarling, being half menacing.
My dad returned with the 12 gauge shotgun.
We stared a little nervously at the 12 gauge shotgun.
My dad inspected, loaded, aimed, and shot the 12 gauge shotgun.
The opossum went away.
It was roughly as loud as a 12 gauge shotgun.
The echoing stopped, eventually, and my dad decided it might be better if there wasn't a 12 gauge shotgun in his hands outside anymore, and returned to put it away.
My brother and I were left to...guard? The...scene?
A slew of backdoors opening could be heard along with called questions of 'what happened,' 'is everyone okay,' 'that sounded like a gun,' etc.
My brother and I looked at each other for several moments listening to this before he bravely piped over the photenias: "That was us; we had to shoot a opossum."
After a moment and, to our neighbor's credit, great comedic timing, they replied: "What'd you use, a fucking 12 gauge?"
My brother replied: "Yeah."

Anyway opossums are the only marsupial found north of Mexico. They're immune to most snake venoms, and they can't choose when they play dead.

Crossword

Magistrate-level contributor Matt Spradling

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