Twelve Days Sober

Alex Speed

As I drink this gift

A beautiful grape Spindrift 

I pray god is kind

Yet-to-be-posted Glassdoor review of my last employer, [Redacted]

@smoked_sammin

[Redacted] has some of the sweetest employees, which is the best thing I can say. However, they're tainted with some incredibly sour grapes. Your mileage with them may vary based on your specific team, but here's the tale of my 7 months in the customer experience department.

Work-life balance is tough for startups, but it's still important to have even a tiny bit of it to mitigate burnout. Out of nowhere one day, I was asked for my personal cellphone number. I was to be added to an after-hours support line for "emergencies" and that was the entire conversation. I began receiving calls to my cellphone as early as 7am and as late as midnight. I dared to ask about compensation for answering these calls outside of work hours, but was never given a straight answer. As such, I enabled "do not disturb" on my phone so that the calls wouldn't wake me up. I often wondered if any of my colleagues picked up those calls and how they felt about it, but I seemed to be the only one with a hangup. I have to wonder if my reasonable boundaries around sleep time had anything to do with my eventual termination. Even after my last day at [Redacted] I still sometimes receive these calls, bafflingly still without any compensation. Friends have suggested I answer some of these calls and mess with the customers, but luckily for [Redacted] I wouldn't do that.

If you enjoy ambiguity, work for [Redacted]. As part of my training and without being asked, I was temporarily sorta-but-not-really placed on a second team in addition to my primary team and job description. This team had some of the most seasoned and hard-working employees in the whole company. While I did learn from them, their bitterness was infectious. These were people who regularly mentioned being hungry, angry, sleep deprived, underpaid, and on one occasion one of them even mentioned she had not had time to use the bathroom all day. Most of them had families and needed this job even more than I did, and were willing to break their backs for below market rate salary. Working closely with this surly team only left me feeling disillusioned.

If you enjoy mixed messages, work for [Redacted]. After colleagues encouraged me to ask questions, I was then scolded for asking too many questions (or not the right ones). Naturally this made me rather afraid to ask questions at all, so then soon enough I was scolded again for not asking enough of those dang questions. After dipping my toe back into asking more questions, trying to ask them thoughtfully, I was once again scolded, which gave me whiplash. Frankly, I could never quite calibrate my questions to everyone's liking. I've only been working at startups for 10 years, so perhaps that's on me.

If you enjoy gossip and backstabbing, you might enjoy [Redacted]. On numerous occasions people confided things to me about other coworkers that I would have rather not known. I'm no square, but I'm used to a certain level of professionalism. For example if someone is unhappy with my performance, or my teammate's performance, why not be direct? Hearing offhand complaints from coworkers causes paranoia. I don't remember if transparency is listed as one of [Redacted]'s core values, but at the better companies it's usually a given.

As a small startup, money is tight, but I often wondered if I was the lowest paid employee in the whole company. Did this motivate me? Surprisingly, no! I initially was thrilled to accept the job offer because I badly needed income and I considered myself friends with at least one person there, but the salary was even less than what I was making in customer support 10 years ago when adjusted for inflation. And before you ask, no, the benefits did not make up for this. We at least had "unlimited PTO" which I took full advantage of.

Despite the fact that my one-and-ones were always positive, I was one day told I was being terminated for poor performance. When I asked why I was never told my performance was inadequate, I was informed that I had plenty of these conversations. Where was I??? The only remotely critical feedback I received from my manager was a simple sentence at the bottom of our 1:1 spreadsheet while they were on PTO: "It's your time to shine!"

In the end my sudden termination was a blessing in disguise as it allowed me to find a role that, besides its other good qualities, pays a livable wage. In some remote corners of the world, that matters.

I don't know where to fit this last bit, but it's worth mentioning: One of my all time favorite moments of working with [Redacted] was when the CEO, [Redacted], made us all listen to an AI-generated podcast episode he "made" about the industry. Why he chose that instead of simply putting one or two of his many expert employees in the spotlight is beyond me. Maybe they didn't want to. Hilariously, what the bots said the industry needs more of is human touch.

To the employees who were kind to me, thank you for the laughs and camaraderie. I would not have lasted even a day if it were not for you, and I hope you achieve all your dreams. To the employees who snarked at me, ignored my DMs, and complained behind people's backs, you are right where you belong. I never belonged there, and I'm on to greener pastures.

Newsletter From Hell

Wendy Fernandez

Arts and Entertainment

The Fire Playa Players' double production of Macbeth and The Vagina Monologues opens this weekend at the newly alight Globe Theater. If flames are in your way, good. Steamed Director Necro Punt - who is playing the lead in both pieces - said he's hoping for a zip, zap, flop, but ultimately knows hundreds will be forced to attend. Grab a seat before they grab you! Tickets must be purchased in person at the expense of others.Outside food and drink not allowed, programs are available for purchase and there's definitely not enough.

This full moon, join our Undead Children's Acapella Choir as they sing along to Adam Sandler's masterpiece, LITTLE NICKY. Each song has been carefully rehearsed and added into the film as a special treat for unlucky viewers. With maximum vibrato and autotune, this surely will be a night you'll try to forget. Free admission, saving seats is not permitted though stealing spots is always welcome.

O.J. Simpson will host a special signing of "If I Did It: Confessions of the Killer" next Friday in the Tortured Poets Department between 3 pm and 6 pm. The right to glove imagery is reserved for the team of devils assigned to torture him at all times. Anyone who attempts to ignore this will be removed from this plane.

Internal Affairs

Congratulations to Junior Demon Astarotheus on their promotion to the Office of Creative Peeling. Management sees nothing but terrible things in your future.

The Departments of Eye Abuse and Tongue Hashing have merged to create the newly condemned Department of DEATH. Reach out to Squelch on Circle Two with any questions.

REMINDER: New Member Orientation takes place every day at the Entrance Hall by the Styx. Feathers and scales are provided, box lunch is not. Want to volunteer to help the new arrivals? Too bad, it's compulsory! Report to the Arrivals terminal at your designated time and be prepared to get filthy. Remember that after last month's incident, a mace is no longer permitted as a weapon. Instead, a minimum of two (2) maces must be used at all times. You are only permitted to miss your Arrivals shift if you yourself are scheduled to be tortured at that time. Report to Belial with any questions. Or don't. He doesn't care.

Lost Hell Hound

Last seen near the Screaming Pits, all three heads answer to the sound of profound loss. Its favorite treats are children's ears. Not friendly. If found, contact Stench from Circle Five. No reward so don't ask.

Lifestyle

Are you eating too much? Not enough? Good. Famine and Gluttony have joined forces to lead the Big Bad Evil seminar of the year! Attend the talk that has forced critics to eat their own words and leave still wanting more. Refreshments will be provided on a first come, first serve basis. Participation will be decided for you.

It's the perfect time of year to visit the Soul Swamp! Enjoy all the charm of the classic sulfuric smell with the dangers of half alive bog bodies. If you're tired of feeling lonely in your humdrum life, the Soul Swamp is for you. With yellow glowing eyes watching your every move from the mist, you definitely won't feel alone. Plus, watch in terror as the bubonic frogs migrate home for the season. You won't want to miss the crystal clear waters of the bayou where you can watch bloated fingers reaching for you as you sight-see! You'll truly be able to see every horror lurking below the surface, and make sure to see the trees before they see you. Visit the tourism bureau for all intradimensional Hell travel inquiries.

OPINION: I don't belong here and demand to speak to the manager

Marina Martinez

Why are you writing this down? Excuse me, I'm talking to you. What? Oh, all customer complaints have to be written down for HR? Well, that makes sense. At least SOMEBODY is taking me seriously. But it's honestly too little, too late, mister. I've been here for too long and I have places to be, so I really do insist you get up off your flaming behind and help me. Wait, does that box you just ticked say 'microaggression'? Well then tell me what it says, I can't read upside down and when you're trying to hide the form from me!

From the beginning? UGH, fine. Like I've said to you people a million times: my name is Karen Smith, and I'm obviously not dead. This is Fake. News. If I WERE dead… this is the down place, right? I belong in the other one. [Mrs. Smith is pointing up and attempting to wiggle her eyebrows.] You failed at the believability of this whole cockamamie scenario, big time.

I'm clearly not dead. I am standing right here and speaking to you. I'm not sure how I got from a charity luncheon to some rickety ass boat, but rest assured I WILL be calling my lawyer. Oh, he's here too? Well, that'll save us both some time. And I'm sure he'll be calling HIS lawyer too. Double lawyers, bucko! Oh, he's in an appointment at the spa? Where's the spa? Why am I not being immediately comped a spa treatment for all of this indignity?!

The charity luncheon? Yes, I helped organize it - half of our local police force was battling legal charges from a bunch of bozos, so we were just helping the Boys in Blue! What? Oh no, I don't know any specifics, but those hooligans they took off our streets were asking for it. I don't care if you're on a tricycle, don't brandish a weapon-looking stick at an officer of a law - these brave men are highly trained to eliminate any potential threat using the upmost lethal force at all times. No no no, they are, don't tell me what I already know. Blue Lives Matter, and so does mine! Which is why I am asking for the hundredth time - GO GET A MANAGER SO I CAN YELL AT THEM TOO.

I woke up on a boat and was beaten by people holding several maces when I got off of the boat and somebody took my taser and I have just about had it with the service down here. If I'm dead (which seems unlikely, I'm on the carnivore diet, super healthy) I should. Not. Be. Here. I was a Gooooood Peeeersonnnnn. [Mrs. Smith appears to be over-enunciating everything, possibly due to a belief of my lack of intelligence?] I run the women's group at our church! I love my country! The customer is always right! So somebody needs to explain how I was kidnapped and who is behind this whole operation. My husband is going to sue your ass. And he has seven guns. So you'd better start listening if you know what's good for you.

[Mrs. Smith has paused and let out three consecutive heavy sighs, possibly for dramatic effect]. I don't like to lose my temper. I know you're filling out a form and trying to do your job. But you have to understand - this is just ridiculous! I'm a good person. I'm a good wife, a good mother. I just miss my kids right now, it's been just me in our mansion for the past couple of months. Frankie is away on business and the kids are at camp. Where? Well, Frankie and his assistant Tanya are at a business retreat in Bali, and the kids are at a special camp I found through our church to help them convert back to the Lord's ways. A conversion camp? No no no, that's such an ugly phrase. It is sort of like that, but it's not bad. This is a good thing and I'm helping my children. I've invested a lot into them, and every dollar counts. Do I look like the type of person to spend money on a bad investment? [more heavy sighing]

Look, kid, I'm sure I'm not the only person here that's been in a similar situation. If your manager can't get here for a while, I'll be happy to speak with an assistant manager. No? What about a shift lead? The sign above you says 'New Member Orientation' - I will not be paying for a membership, and you really ought to have SOME help arranged for people here by mistake. I didn't come here in a car so I guess I can excuse the lack of a valet service, but I don't see any golf carts or customer service besides you.

Wait, YOU'RE the manager? Are you kidding me?! GET THE HECK UP AND HELP ME. I DEMAND A RENTAL CAR HOME AND A VOUCHER FOR A FREE SPA SERVICE, IMMEDIATELY. Oh, about time. Wait, this is a ticket for Macbeth and The Vagina Monologues.

Oh, this IS Heck, isn't it? Well, that settles it. SAINT PETER? HELLO? I DO NOT BELONG IN THIS PLACE, GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE. HELLOOOOOO?

[This goes on for quite some time. Our new 'Karen' torture seems to be working nicely!]

American Prometheus 2

THE WIZARD COINTELPRO

Hey guys, come with me today on day one of my month of using the money I would spend on drinking and using it for something new instead.

I've been feeling like I need a change to be a healthier person, so I'm going to try to stick with this experiment as long as I can to shake things up and see what happens.

There's a local arcade that opened a few months ago that I've been wanting to go to but never felt like I had the time, so today I'm going to just do it!

It's called Fatass Phil's. I LOVE the aesthetic already as soon as I enter – check out these retro game and movie posters. I remember this Jurassic Park one from when I was a kid.

Since this experiment is about daily drinking money, I'm buying $20 worth of tokens. Entry is free!

It's pretty empty because it's a weekday, so maybe not peak vibes but it's good because I don't have to wait for anything. I'm loving the sounds and the authentic cigarette smell. There are a few kids over in that corner that keep watching me and it's a little creeepyyy. Why are they here on a school day? But it's cool, I'm not a narc.

I start off playing a few rounds of these racing games and one of the old Tekken machines and I'm already loving it. These machines rumble and make so much noise, it's so much more visceral than playing xbox at home. I move on to a couple of these pinball machines in the next room – they have a Shrek 2 machine, which is awesome! I get a little obsessed with it and learn the level pattern and score a huge bunch of tickets.

Next is the Star Wars podracing game! I remember this one from when I was a kid for sure. I used to always play it at the mall hoping to impress people because of how much I'd practice with the N64 game at home but it wasn't the same controls and I always got embarassed. This time I spend about 30 minutes figuring it out and I do have to go back for about another $10 of tokens, but after another few tries I get the Boonta Eve Classic down to a science with Mars Guo and get another armful of tickets. The only other people there to see are those kids and they keep staring even more at my pockets bulging with tickets.

At this point I'm feeling pretty good and check out the classic Pac-Man and Mario and Donkey Kong machines and make another batch of tickets. Then I go to the claw machine and study it for twenty minutes before playing a single grab, and catch a stuffed Pikachu out of sheer pent-up need.

I've been here for a few hours and am feeling pretty ready to go so it's time to check out the prizes up front! There's some cool stuff but what catches my eye is this old gamecube accessory that lets you play gameboy games through the console which must have been up there gathering dust on the top row for over a decade, and I know it's worth at least $60 so I buy it with my tickets that are really just spilling everywhere. I slide the leftovers to the employee as a tip. I bet he was psyched!

I go outside and the fresh air is nice even though there's a bunch of trash in the alley. I didn't film any of it because it was a surprise but those kids did flank me in the alley and try to jump me but I kicked them off pretty handily, and I'm really glad I wore my boots today.

I walk for about twenty minutes down to the game repair store on my street where the owner is a huge dick that tries to scam you by breaking your stuff and overcharging for repairs. I can tell the stoned teen at the desk recognizes me and is really annoyed. They take my prize "to the back" to test it and claim it's not working. It's not a coincidence that counters are made at a height you can jump over and there's another bit of action I don't get on camera again (sorry, this is the first day! Still learning!), and I walk away with $20 cash. I did remember that I hit one of those kids over the head pretty hard with the prize so it is possible it was broken.

I've been out a while and I've worked up an appetite so I head over to Thai Palace which is good but never has any customers. In the family room in the back, minimum buy-in is $20 which works out perfectly. You definitely shouldn't get caught with cameras in there but I recorded some audio in my pocket just so you could hear some of the fun – they even gave me two free cigarettes. I've gotten pretty good at cards and end up with $40 after a couple good rounds of oicho-kabu.

At Twin Liquors, I turn my winnings into one bottle each of Espolon Blanco and El Jimador and finally end my day back home feeling a little tired but pretty great. This was so much fun and I'm so glad I tried it. Looking forward to day two tomorrow! Stay tuned!

Spiritual Violence

THE WIZARD COINTELPRO

I'm currently finishing up The Swan Thieves by Elizabeth Kostova, author of The Historian, a captivating and grounded Dracula novel and a favorite of mine. Her followup, The Swan Thieves never quite interested me enough to pick up over the past decade, but I finally did on a whim after coming across a charmingly battered copy at Half Price on my birthday, perhaps also motivated by my fascination with the Leda and the Swan motif. It has proven to be a sweeping and beautiful portrait of the imposition of power, obsession, and tectonic love, and one that I would have been too young to appreciate at any prior time.

In one chapter, a 19th-Century Frenchman recalls his involvement in the Paris uprising and the tragedy of his life afterwards, and one line jumped out to me: to paraphrase, that an essential need in life for every thoughtful person is to participate in the improvement of society, to have a future to believe in, and that to have that taken away from him left him nationless and marooned. It feels obvious, but this put words to the feeling gnawing away in me this past year: behind the immediate fears, a hollowing out, the decay of the least tangible of our problems.

It's hard to live with and it will remain hard to live with. In some ways I feel used to it – I've always fallen flat in terms of aspiration and planning and goals, in survival mode and hoarding downtime just to recharge up to a bare-minimum of functionality, trying to ignore the long defeat of not building my future – but because of that I sometimes feel more reliant on the big picture, sensitive to the feeling that at least we're flowing downstream even if I'm not able to row my own boat effectively. Without that, everything swirls, feels like a terminus. I don't know where to steer, don't know if I have a rudder at all. When commiserating with coworkers I nod and agree with sentiments about continued engagement out of sheer spite, but it feels perfunctory and impractical. I don't know if it's acceptable or out of touch to write or dwell on these sentiments while so many endure hell, the most tangible of problems.

When I consider the nausea of feeling powerless to help those crying out on the other side of the world, I consider that, bizarre and terrifying modern abilities to inflict suffering aside, what's really changed most of all isn't reality but our enhanced awareness of it; there has always been injustice and torment, but there haven't been livestreams of it. This makes our resulting actions and inactions all the more inexcusable, but at the same time I take it as a reminder that this nausea occurs because the human mind is built to be social and empathetic and caring, is built to build, to take what's in front of us and participate in it and improve it. We succeeded as a species because we were social, social because we were empathetic.

I remember as a young churchgoing teen wanting to go on mission trips to the other side of the world despite never doing anything to help the people in my actual community that actually could have used help, and later realizing the absurdity and vanity of that. That's something that has stuck with me but that I've continued to be shit at: I'm lazy, I'm scared of people, my finances aren't in a place to feel generous with, my health and energy are such that I continue to horde my downtime jealously. I think that is something I will simply need to get over and improve at, as a need more than as an obligation. Regardless of whether we have a big picture or not, there will always be a small picture right in front of us, mutual aid and buy-nothing groups and renters solidarity and diapers and canned food to donate. We are free to take the tools being used to hurt us and turn them towards these ends or else fuck them off and proceed without them.

I have tried to find multiple conclusions to this but I don't know what the conclusion is. The obvious point is a sentiment like if it is violence to have our futures burned, then it is righteous violence to build despite that, but that feels trite. I think a lot of times when I write doodles like this I gradually ascend into the abstract until it is no longer real or useful, gravitating towards some sterile logical ruleset no one asked for or needs. Reading my own writing frequently has me looking like this:

I don't know if I have succeeded in subverting that. I feel like I need something different to hold onto.

You tell me.

Anyway, here's the Holes soundtrack

A Brave and Foolish Commitment to Reviewing Every Conor Oberst Album, Pt. 1

THE WIZARD COINTELPRO

Bright Eyes: Cassadaga - 2007

Part 2: 2008--2024
Conor Oberst: Conor Oberst - 2008
Conor Oberst and The Mystic Valley Band: Outer South - 2009
Monsters Of Folk: Monsters Of Folk - 2009
Bright Eyes, Neva Dinova: One Jug Of Wine, Two Vessels - 2010
Bright Eyes: The People's Key - 2011
Conor Oberst and The Mystic Valley Band: One of My Kind - 2012
Conor Oberst: Upside Down Mountain - 2014
Desaparecidos: Payola - 2015
Conor Oberst: Ruminations - 2016
Conor Oberst: Salutations - 2017
Better Oblivion Community Center: Better Oblivion Community Center - 2019
Bright Eyes: Down in the Weeds, Where the World Once Was - 2020
Bright Eyes: Five Dice, All Threes - 2024

Highlights playlist (Spotify)

There are exactly three people I know in the world that might possibly read all this but if the spirit so moves you, you might be in for a treat.

I have long argued to anyone that will listen (0) that Conor Oberst is a strong contender for greatest American songwriter. Where others are either quantity or quality, he is prolifically both. His lyrics are cutting and clear, direct without being blunt or less poetic for it, and the best possible versions they could be, always purposeful and absorbing. His music is widely varied and generally painstaking but undistracted.

On any given album he may embody the spiralling grunge of Cobain, the delicacy of Elliott Smith, the impressionistic moodiness of Matt Berninger, or the social consciousness of Dylan, all delivered with unapologetically straightforward vocals and tied together in a package that never loses sight of vividly real lived experience.

Outspokenly anti-war since the early 2000's and humanist ever since, he deserves credit for helping shape my political sensibilities in at least some small way, and emotionally, he seems committed to portraying a search for the beauty in life despite a constant inability to find peace in a way that is impactful to me. His career traces a fascinating growth from very young, quavering teenager to brash and capable force of nature to worldweary 40-something.

I know a lot of our musical taste is founded on whatever we happened to be listening to in our teenage years, but I'm very grateful to have had him filling this role for me and continuing to do so throughout my adult life thus far. Long may it continue.

Commander Venus: The Uneventful Vacation - 1997

I believe his earliest project on streaming, from the pre-Bright Eyes days. This was a first-time listen for me, and while I can't say I was missing much, it's more interesting than I expected. Closest in style to Desaparecidos, but with a more traditional midwest emo lilting sound. Still in his days of aggressively out-of-key singing, but still used to good effect.

Rank: 25 of 26

Favorite tracks: We'll Always Have Paris, Refused By Light

Bright Eyes: A Collection of Songs Written and Recorded 1995-1997 - 1998

Though plenty of earlier apocrypha exists, the first Bright Eyes, featuring tracks from as young as 15 years old. I think when I was 15 I wasn't even good enough at music to listen to something like Bright Eyes. Charmingly lo-fi but immediately well-suited to his gentle, tumbling vocal and lyrical style with occasional punchy hooks. I think it's fair to group the first three Bright Eyes albums - this, Lifted, and Fevers - together as belonging to a specific style. This album reminds me of Nervous Young Man by Car Seat Headrest: sprawling, messy, varied, probably nobody's favorite but if you were stranded with only it, there would be plenty of good stuff to grow on.

Rank: 24 of 26

Favorite tracks: The Awful Sweetness Of Escaping Sweat, Falling Out of Love At This Volume

Bright Eyes: Letting Off The Happiness - 1998

While not a million miles away from the sound of the inaugural Bright Eyes collection, this first proper LP immediately establishes the way all subsequent albums would feel: melodramatically introduced, polished, dense, painstaking, and also good. This is, in a way, the sweet spot of the early Bright Eyes era in that it has quality and focus but isn't as brutally depressing as Fevers, which can be hard to get in the mood for.

Rank: 17 of 26

Favorite tracks: Pull My Hair, If Winter Ends

Bright Eyes: Fevers and Mirrors - 2000

Perhaps the most characteristic or archetypal Bright Eyes album to ever Bright Eyes album, beginning and ending with creepy non-musical recordings and fake interviews with a hired impersonator and stuffed in between with remarkable poetry and passion. This is fairly considered a masterpiece, but it's one I hardly ever listen to post-high school because it is in my opinion the most depressing project he's ever produced by a wide margin. Exsanguinating, is the word that comes to mind. Transports you to a bleak midwest basement surrounded by endless muddy winter snow. Gives me the same physical feeling as when you're too empty to get out of bed. As with all depressing art, it's incredibly cathartic when you happen to already be feeling that way, but uninviting when you're not. Still, more than worth a listen for the craft; lyrics, melodic hooks and instrumentation are taken up a huge notch and form a cohesive whole with some lofty highs.

Rank: 10 of 26

Favorite tracks: The Calendar Hung Itself…, When The Curious Girl Realizes She Is Under Glass

Desaparecidos: Read Music/Speak Spanish - 2002

While a punk album specifically for suburban angst is probably best left in the early 2000's, this makes a surprisingly good go of it. Conor's vocals are more mature than in previous outings, though I wouldn't say he's the best screamer. A fine and fun diversion.

Rank: 23 of 26

Favorite tracks: Man And Wife, The Former (Financial Planning); Greater Omaha

Bright Eyes: Lifted or The Story Is in the Soil, Keep Your Ear to the Ground - 2002

As I'm revisiting these in chronological order, this isn't the first good project but it is the first that is spectacular. It is his thiccest by a comfortable margin at 13 tracks, 1hr 13min (with only a few minutes of ambient padding), yet every bit of it is worthwhile, and there are like eight I feel I should include for favorite track.

If Fevers was the album where he started to hit his stride lyrically, this is where he hit his stride musically, while still continuing to elevate his writing, with less abstract depression and more varied and specific focuses like the nature of performing, the meaning of life, dissecting relationships, politics and religion. Musically, the two main song types are simple acoustic or being driven primarily by marching-band-style drums and often horns blended into a lo-fi background that keeps everything smooth and unintrusive.

In high school I probably didn't ever consider this my number one, but it's very possible I spent the most time listening to it. Its sound is easy and timeless and difficult to get sick of, and it's so full of golden nuggets that the extreme length works in its favor as you never quite remember what's coming next.

Laura Laurent should probably have been cut for time - it's fine and pretty but doesn't really go anywhere much or cover anything particularly interesting. And yet, even this lone skip pulls out a line like "But you should never be embarrassed by your trouble with living, cause it's the ones with the sorest throats who have done the most singing," which is a good example of something that's on the basic side for Conor but which people would be jizzing their pants over if someone like Fleetwood Mac had written it, no offense to Nicks et al.

Rank: 7 of 26

Favorite tracks: Let's Not Shit Ourselves (to Love and to Be Loved), Method Acting

Bright Eyes: A Christmas Album - 2002

Well well well, the little christmas album that couldn't. This coming between Lifted and Wide Awake is very funny. Look, maybe dead last is harsh - it's fine, I just think it's misguided as a project. There's a strange, subtle yet severe clash between the band's disaffected, realist, angsty ethos, even early on, and christmas songs, like it was done as a joke but without taking any big swings. Most tracks are slow quavering dirges and the noise distortion production feels more annoying than creative or in service to the track. Basically I don't know why anyone would want this. I've tried multiple times including it in a playlist of christmas songs by bands I like, and it doesn't work at all. Maybe Blue Christmas alone. If I'm in the mood for Bright Eyes, christmas songs aren't going to hit. It's still funny though, and that's a good thing for your worst project to be.

Rank: 26 of 26

Favorite tracks: Blue Christmas, God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen

Bright Eyes: I'm Wide Awake, It's Morning - 2005

Now we get to the dense core of the Bright Eyes discography, with multiple years off resulting in two albums released on the same day - the broadly acoustic Wide Awake and broadly electronic Digital Ash - both of them superb. Wide Awake is always listed first on streaming platforms so I guess it's the twin considered to have emerged first.

Something I took away from playing lots of Conor's songs while learning guitar back in the day is that his chords are generally very simple. He makes them sing, sure, but there's seldom much intricate picking and bespoke choreography like in Elliott Smith songs. Obviously the key is using this as a jumping board for inspired lyrics and impassioned delivery. Still, the simplicity of it frequently plods and drips in a way that feels evocative of a peaceful day-to-day in the city, lulling you into a bit of a trance like rain on the window. There's immense power in this album, but it wears it humbly, and is possibly the Bright Eyes album that plays to Conor's musical strengths the most.

I don't think I always felt this way, but I now feel that the opener is the weakest part of the whole thing. The intro is quirky but hasn't aged well for me, sort of representative of an obsolete mid-naughts hipstery something or other, and then the rest of the song is fun but feels like the lyrics, while good, are a little forced and abstract in comparison to how intimate and real the rest are. We Are Nowhere and It's Now swiftly makes up for this, backed by Emmylou Harris and jumping into the shimmering, watery feel that is the heart of the album.

Lua is painfully quiet and delicate in all the right ways before Train Under Water builds up to the best choruses in the discography thus far. There are uncharacteristic radio-friendly hits, there are big jaunty swings. Have I mentioned this is a little bit of a country album? Tastefully so. The bass frequently goes BUM bum BUM bum and there's a constant swimmy backdrop of electric and steel guitars and harmonicas glittering in the sunlight. The core of the songs remain simple, but the production is deceptively lush.

Landlocked Blues weaves lost love and bitter anti-war satire that I believe was very formative for me. Poison Oak brings noise and heartbreak. At a bluegrass live taping thing in Tennessee in 2017 when he was drunk and mad at the crowd he introduced it with "Alright this is about my gay cousin who killed himself when he was 23" to make them uncomfortable. Road to Joy ends with trumpeting chaos, embracing life in all its terror and sorrow, walking an emotional tightrope that is fascinating and impactful to me and makes oversimplified labels of sad or emo seem to be completely missing the point.

This album isn't perfect but it's pretty damn close, and probably the all-around best starting point. Most of it is timeless. There are a couple equals but no albums that have helped get me through more hard times.

Rank: 2 of 26

Favorite tracks: all those mentioned

Bright Eyes: Digital Ash in a Digital Urn - 2005

Where Wide Awake is bright and organic, Digital Ash is dark and grimy, making use of clunking industrial beats and stammering synths. It's a bit of a messy contradiction of an album, like Wide Awake getting put through a washing machine, with frequent unexpected moments of comparable beauty coalescing.

Take It Easy (Love Nothing) takes off with a catchy rock melody that is probably the most straightforward musically, then Hit the Switch brings incredibly hard-hitting choruses about the staggeringly low lows and high highs of the despondency and peace that come with things like depression and drinking: Cause there's this switch that gets hit and it all stops making sense, and in the middle of drinks, maybe the fifth or sixth, I'm completely alone at a table of friends, I feel nothing for them, I feel nothing … But then night rolls around and it all starts making sense, there is no right way or wrong way, you just have to live, and so I do what I do and at least I exist, what could mean more than this? What could mean more?

Tracks clunk onwards like marbles dropped down a peg board, grappling with things like the passage of time and self-deception and death. I can get behind chaotic noise, but there are a couple really abrasive things thrown in like alarm clocks and baby crying that are huge turnoffs to be honest. Things are never quite satisfying until the closer, Easy/Lucky/Free, comes washing through. This is one of those songs where every single line is so deliciously poetic you just want to savor it. It is cathartic and peaceful and addicting and the best that the group has to offer in this musical style, which isn't their strong suit but is pretty unique.

Rank: 9 of 26

Favorite tracks: Easy/Lucky/Free, Hit the Switch

Bright Eyes: Motion Sickness: Live Recordings - 2005

It's nice to get a live album, and it's nice that it comes from arguably their peak era and it's nice that Wide Awake songs translate so beautifully to live performances. It's all a jaunty, horn-blasting celebration, and mixes well with the smattering of songs from other albums. It all has me wondering if there are any songs that wouldn't benefit from this arrangement.

We get an appearance of When the President Talks to God and a couple other treats, but this record has always been great for me because of the last two tracks: the until-recently only appearance of the absolutely gorgeous Southern State, and a perfect cover of Elliott Smith's The Biggest Lie, both of which of course fit perfectly.

Rank: 15 of 26

Bright Eyes: Noise Floor (Rarities: 1998-2005) - 2006

Same concept as their first recording, Collection, except leaps and bounds more quality. It's a beautiful blend of the spirit of earlier Bright Eyes with the lush production of the 2005 era. As you'd expect, it's a handful of hits with long swathes of slightly more mid and mellow tracks in between, but it's never empty.

There's something relaxing about experiencing quality Bright Eyes tracks free of the pressure put on the proper albums to be theatrically organized and painstakingly produced. Trees Get Wheeled Away is a particular standout and hard to see why it wasn't on Wide Awake. Spent On Rainy Days, featuring Spoon's Britt Daniel, is another that would have made a strong inclusion on an earlier album.

Coming in at 16 tracks (though only exactly an hour), this honestly could have been filtered down to make a proper LP. Maybe he thought three in a year would be excessive. As it is, it's a gift of a b-side album, at times nearly to the level of Sawdust by The Killers, though perhaps just slightly lacking its own unique identity.

Rank: 14 of 26

Favorite tracks: Trees Get Wheeled Away, Weather Reports, Bad Blood

Bright Eyes: Four Winds EP - 2007

Speaking of gifts of b-sides, this is the only EP I'm allowing on the list, and it is an extremely necessary exception. After a whirlwind 2005, you might expect him to have taken a little more time off, but not only is he right back to it in March of '07 with this preview to a new album, but it also introduces a new evolution to their sound while bridging the gap between the recent past and immediate future, and does it with unbelievable quality. I understand why these wouldn't be on Cassadaga a month later as they're a little more rocking and standard and just not the same type of dense theatricality of the album tracks, but what they are is a genuine top-tier release despite being only five non-album tracks.

Their sound is a matured version of what's come before, Conor's voice deeper and steadier and given the perfect amount of room to breathe, which makes for an excellent combo with being at his lyrical best. Four Winds, the aggressively southern, fiddle-strewn lead single is followed by gentler forays into this southern sound. M. Ward features on Smoke Without Fire, unknowingly a preview of their later collaboration in Monsters Of Folk, which is perhaps the project most similar in sound to this.

Cartoon Blues bangs with a manic, jangling, ragtime whirlwind of a night out before closing out with Tourist Trap, a lonely lament about not being able to return home and grappling with fame and changing identity.

Happily, half of it is represented in this random filmed live session along with cuts from Cassadaga and an incredible John Prine cover.

I can't really say an EP is their peak, but it does come between their two best albums in Wide Awake and Cassadaga and presents a beautiful, unique, and fun combination of the two, so in a way it's hard to say it's not the peak. Regardless, what a gem.

Rank: 6 of 26

Favorite tracks: just do all five

Bright Eyes: Cassadaga - 2007

What is it we're looking for, our human experience sifting through the dirt, waiting for something magical to appear? Why has it always been the case that I have absolutely 0% belief in anything spiritual or supernatural and yet much of the art I love most is a magic trick, letting me pretend that there's something transcendental out there channeling through? That's the human brain for you - evolve in the wilderness and you're going to have a hell of a penchant for groping pattern recognition and trial and error methodology for divining the cause of lightning.

The official cover of Cassadaga, as on the vinyl record sleeve, is blank gray speckled static. It comes with a "spectral decoder" square you can move around on it, revealing cryptic words and mystical images. The centerpiece of these is a crest of pyramids and palm trees with a comet overhead and the words "These myths are sacred and profane!" A simplified and colorful version of this is present on the digital cover but it's not the same, not creepy.

After the cloudburst of material and touring and notoriety from 2005, likely the high point of his career in aggregate, this album feels like the search for a reset and rebirth, a cleansing, whether from substances or exhaustion, and this search takes the form and imagery of a haunted Americana road trip and a headfirst dive into a western sound only flirted with previously. This is all immediately encapsulated by the opening two tracks.

Clairaudients (Kill or Be Killed) opens with two minutes of eerie, spluttering feedback and distorted snippets of a conversation with some sort of psychic about embarking on a journey, death, change, and rebirth. The song proper begins surprisingly gently, sardonic brushstrokes catching up on the state of the world: Corporate or colonial, the movement is unstoppable; like the body of a centerfold, it spreads; to the counterculture copyright, get your revolution at a lower price; or make believe and throw the fight, play dead … Future markets, holy wars, been tried ten thousand times before; if you think that God is keeping score, hooray. Drums come in at the end of the first verse to get things into driving gear, eventually swirling off into another psychic outro, this time even creepier. These elements combine to create one of my all time favorite pieces of songcraft.

After that, though, the lead single and strong argument for actual best Bright Eyes song comes crashing through the door that Clairaudients left creaking open. Four Winds cranks the energy up to 10 with dramatic flair, hard-launching the squealing fiddles and doubling down on the themes introduced minutes prior. The writing on this track is ferocious and emotional, more direct than evocative but still poetically rounded enough to evade precise definition. It is watching an oncoming American apocalypse, Walk Two Moons as written by W.B. Yeats. Your class, your caste, your country, sect, your name or your tribe, there's people always dying trying to keep them alive … The Bible's blind, the Torah's deaf, the Qur'an is mute, if you burned them all together you'd get close to the truth; still, they're pouring over sanskrit under ivy league moons, while shadows lengthen in the sun; cast on a school of meditation built to soften the times, and hold us at the center while the spiral unwinds; it's knocking over fences, crossing property lines, four winds, cry until it comes; and it's the sum of man, slouching towards Bethlehem; a heart just can't contain all of that empty space, it breaks … Now it's off to old Dakota where a genocide sleeps, in the Black Hills, the Badlands, the calloused east; I buried my ballast, I made my peace, heard four winds leveling the pines. The descending notes of the verses reflect an entropic downwards spiral before the chorus brings the final crash. It is the physical feeling of screaming into the wind.

The first time I saw him live was in a small club in Dallas on the 2011 People's Key tour. He came out to join the opener, a then scarcely known First Aid Kit, defusing a bit of the anticipation. Once it was time for the main set, I expected them to open with the People's Key opener, a long recorded interview intro easing into a subdued and slowly building track not dissimilar to Clairaudients, but instead he marched out and immediately launched into Four Winds. It is my favorite live music memory.

I won't touch on every single track - there are 13 - but from here the songs pass in a curiously swirling stream, some bangers, some surprisingly mellow yet always pleasantly layered, songs about fate and fortune and romance and identity and purpose. Middleman brings the fiddles blowing back, No One Would Riot for Less brings a darker and more beautiful take on the opening tracks' doom, this time with a romantic twist. The closer, Lime Tree, finally arrives with enigmatic resignation, a slowly loping lament about the passage of time and loss. It comes to me in fragments, even those still split in two; under the eaves of that old lime tree, I stood examining the fruit; some were ripe and some were rotten, I felt nauseous with the truth: there will never be a time more opportune … So pleased with a daydream that now living's no good; I took off my shoes and walked into the woods; I felt lost and found with every step I took.

Cassadaga doesn't answer many questions or provide much closure, except in its bittersweet epiphany that there are no real answers outside of ourselves and that the journey of discovery is both unavoidable and doomed. It's not necessarily comforting, but it is cathartic when the empty space in your heart goes searching. Art is of course subjective, and the sprawling history and relationship I have with this album can't simply be passed on to you, but I can say that this is as rich and ripe a source as you could hope to find to make a part of yourself.

Rank: 1 of 26

Favorite tracks: Four Winds, Clairaudients (Kill or Be Killed), No One Would Riot for Less, Middleman, Lime Tree

Office Chart

Nirvana - Milk it

My karaoke song  -TWC

Steven Universe, Kate Micucci, Michaela Dietz - Disobedient (feat. Kate Micucci & Michaela Dietz)

Another school year started. Ha hahaha hahahahahahahahahahaahHAHAHAH.  -MM

Cameron Winter - $0

It turns out this was actually the most beautiful video all along  -TWC

Paris Paloma - notre dame

One time I got pink eye when visiting my family at Christmas and my sister made a video compilation of how stupid I looked and unfortunately she got a clip of me putting on chapstick and saying 'even Quasimodo can be beautiful' and she's never let me forget that.  -MM

LCD Soundsystem - All My Friends

Lately I've been having to listen to LCD Soundsystem in the morning the way that people who process caffeine normally slam red bulls in desperation. This continues to be one of the best songs ever made and if you are not getting it I have to insist politely but firmly that you try harder.  -TWC

[Florence + The Machine - Everybody Scream]

[I assume you're also going to include Everybody Scream by Florence because it's relevant and the music video is A Mood but just know that once that album drops I will only be listening to and recommending music from it for the foreseeable future which is why I'm abstaining now.  -MM]

Sinéad O'Connor - Red Football

Sad and pained and indignant and the righteously unhinged ending is incredible.  -TWC

Fontaines D.C. - It's Amazing To Be Young

The National - Don't Swallow The Cap

I am once again driving a car with a functioning CD player and after several months of experimenting I can once again confirm that this is the best National song as well as an A+ exhausted commute song.  -TWC

Artwork

Zack Nipper for Bright Eyes: Cassadaga

Zack Nipper for Bright Eyes: The People's Key