A NEWSLETTER

This newsletter was born in December 2018. 

No one is sure from whence it arrived or for what purpose, but we have decided to continue acquiescing to its incessant hunger for good new words rather than risk learning what would happen if we stopped.

Issues are released on a weekly basis, or sometimes even not that. 

Author Bios

Get to know our most prolific contributors before they get to know you


Matt Spradling

Chief / Realty

Matt is an accidental yet groundbreaking artificial intelligence program. He thinks he lives in Washington with his wife and two kids, but he actually runs in the background of one of those Chili's tablets that scams children with mobile games. 

Sam Strohmeyer

Herald / Oscilloscopy

Sam isn't technically a doctor but she does know about all the bones and what else is there to it, really? She lives in the quarry off 290 with her husband and approximately 17 ghosts. Her husband is also a ghost.

Alex Speed

Sandwich Artist / Security

Alex is objectively the smartest person to ever exist. Is no one way clinically depressed and he is doing very well, thank you, and never makes type ohs. 

Marina Martinez

Archivist / Linguist

Marina is a species of small, archaic humanoids that inhabited the island of Flores, Indonesia until the arrival of modern humans about 50,000 years ago. She should not be taken lightly or with conflicting prescriptions.

Andrew Piotrowski 

Caroling / Typography

Andrew Piotrowski, in the cuisine of the United States, is an unbreaded chicken wing section (flat or drumette) that is generally deep-fried then coated or dipped in a sauce consisting of a vinegar-based cayenne pepper hot sauce and melted butter prior to serving. 

Jenna Hay

Espionage / Hypemanship

Jenna is known for her philanthropic work toward eating farts. There would be way more farts out there if she didn't selflessly take the fall and eat them for you. She's a goddamn hero and also a Taurus. 

Wendy "Johnny Smith" Fernandez

Lawncare / Spirit Hunting

Wendy was born at a young age a certain amount of time ago. One day she may die, although there is no evidence to support her mortality. She has been known to do things on occasion, and she should not be judged for only having ten fingers. 

Barack Obama

HR / Blood Analysis

Porro quisquam est qui dolorem ipsum quia dolor sit amet.

Sign Up / Submissions


Want to be added to the mailing list? Tell us how we've changed your life for the better or otherwise? Report nefarious activity? Inquire about contributing juicy content? Drop a line below or scream into the night sky.

Contribution guidelines: literally anything, clearly.

Length typically runs about 1-2 standard google docs pages but shorter or longer within reason are fine. Topics range from very serious to profoundly non-serious. We won't publish anything particularly problematic but that's obviously subjective so check in if you're not sure. So yeah I guess what I'm saying is just let it rip.

Content can also be submitted here via pseudonym and published to a Stall Graffiti segment of upcoming issues if you prefer to remain anonymous. This could include stories, articles, questions, requests, drawings, fanfic, whatever.

Donate


Turns out y'all were so bored and tore through so much bandwidth one week that it would've crashed the site to publish again, so I, a Businesssmn, purchased some extra stuff from webnode to keep things fancy, official, and extant.

If you feel the holy spirit moving you with somber organ music, you can make a PayPal donation below to show support and help keep things running. Donations will be split evenly between the week's contributors. 

I've seen other sites I like call this the "buy me a drink" button, but the Newsletter team isn't currently drinking because we're collectively trying to get super ripped as a joke, so maybe it's more of a "buy my cat protein powder" button.

Update: we're very much drinking again because *gestures broadly* but I'll never not love this picture.


Perks

Donors are entitled to any and all of:

  • A place on our sponsorship wall of fame!
  • I'll think about you in the shower!
  • A custom poem or prophecy from one of the Newsletter staff (include your email or a way to reach you!)
  • Make a request!


Sponsorship Wall of Fame and Notoriety and Beauty


Kiersten F.

Natalie H.

Jenna H.

Wendy F.

My Mom

The IRS


Alex gave me a dollar so technically A Newsletter is now proudly sponsored by Pearce the Band, supporters of the arts and also the art itself, like a sexy snake eating its own delicious tail. Listen to them wherever you listen to music.

Also, I gave the dollar right back, making Brewmaster-level contributor Alex Speed A Newsletter's first professional freelance writer. Find his technically professional work in, I don't know, most issues.

If you would also like to give or receive a nickel in order to, say, pad your resume with light but technically extant online publishing work, our coffers are always open and willing.